“Where are you guys headed?” A close friend, Ramona, was in town for a conference and staying at my house. The truth? We were heading to couples therapy.

I felt my cheeks flush. “Oh… just a meeting we go to on Friday mornings,” I said vaguely.

We drove to our appointment. It was productive, as always. But a question niggled in the back of my head – why didn’t I just tell Ramona we were going to see a therapist together? The answer, of course, was shame.

Okay, but why? What am I ashamed of? I got curious about what I was feeling and formulated the following list:

  1. I went to couples therapy once with an ex-boyfriend for two sessions, and then ended the relationship. From that experience, I learned that going to couples therapy means your relationship is really in Hot Water.
  2. My husband and I were married less than a year ago. People still refer to us as “newlyweds”. Newlyweds shouldn’t need couples therapy, right?
  3. I’m a therapist, for goodness sake! I understand how to speak my partner’s love language, what a pursuer-distancer dynamic is, and Gottman’s research about what not to do! Shouldn’t I be able to outsmart the need for couples therapy?

But of course it’s not about any of those things. My newlywed husband and I love each other enormously. 95% of the time, we are best friends and confidantes. But like all couples, we argue sometimes. And we called a therapist in because we want to learn to resolve problems in a less painful way.

When I got home from our session, I took a deep breath. “Ramona,” I said, “I’m sorry for being evasive earlier. We are seeing a couples therapist. We’re mostly fine, and we love each other very much, but sometimes our arguments last longer than we’d like, so we’re working on learning how to take better care of our marriage and each other in those moments.”

“You know,” Ramona pondered, “maybe Henry and I should see a couples therapist too. That sounds a lot like what happens sometimes in our relationship.”

Mind. Blown.

The fact of the matter is that there is an incredible stigma to couples therapy. Most people think of it as the place where relationships go to die – a final checkbox to tick off so you can say you tried it before throwing in the towel. Add to that the time and expense required, and it’s no wonder that people in my and my husband’s situation usually don’t make that call! Conventional wisdom among marriage and family therapists is that most couples wait 8 years too long, so by the time a lot of couples get to a therapist’s office, they have already decided, on some level, that it’s over… And this, of course, furthers the stereotype that couples only go to therapy when they’re in absolute crisis.

But – and this is not hyperbole – my husband and I think therapy is awesome!!  I know that sounds strange, but this is why we love it:

Couples Therapy is a designated place to talk about the hard stuff.

Most relationships have two states of being:

State 1 – We are enjoying each other’s company, basking in the wonderfulness of mutual companionship, secure attachment, and the pleasantness of the day.

State 2 – We are arguing, revved up, and angry.  Something made one of us upset, and now we’re verbally duking it out.

But there’s something missing there, and that something is having uncomfortable conversations in times of peace.  When you’re in state 2, you’re too emotional to really listen and respond calmly.  After all, an emotional climate is resistant to logic.  And when you’re in state 1, you really, really do not want to disrupt it by bringing up something challenging.  In your experience, the only direction that can go is straight to #2.

So here’s what couples therapy is, perhaps first and foremost: It’s a safe space to talk about challenging things outside of the context of an argument.  It’s a place to say, “when you do x, it makes me feel y,” facilitated by someone who is professionally trained to help you listen to your partner’s feelings without jumping on the express train to state 2.

And, at its best, couples therapy also teaches you how to take the time to have those conversations outside of sessions.  That’s why a lot of couples, my husband and I included, try to make a ritual of going for a cup of coffee after an appointment to process what happened in the room with the therapist.

 

Couples therapy gets us to focus on process rather than content.

Have you ever been in the middle of an argument with your partner and thought (or even said), “this is so stupid – why are we wasting all of this time and energy fighting about this tiny thing that doesn’t even matter?!” That’s because often when we fight with our partners, the thing we’re arguing about isn’t actually the thing we’re arguing about.

For example, “I hate it when you leave your socks on the floor” could mean a thousand things.  Here are a few possibilities:

  • “I’m afraid of chaos and entropy, and a messy home makes me feel like everything is out of control.”
  • “You said you’d pick your socks up, and I need you to show me that you’re reliable so that I can be sure you’ll take care of me if I ever get sick and need you.”
  • “I have trouble adulting and it makes me feel like a failure, so when you leave your socks on the floor, it reminds me of this part of myself and I feel ashamed.”
  • “I feel really lonely and am scared that I’m going to spend the rest of my life feeling like no one is here for me.”

This is the difference between content (socks on the floor) and process (the underlying thing that actually makes you feel so upset).

Skilled couples therapists are really good at helping you unearth the underlying emotions and attachment fears that drive the surface-level things you argue about.  Once you realize what your actual fears are, you can start to work through them together.

 

Couples therapy makes us listen to each other differently.

Without question, in my relationship, I am the more talkative one in times of discomfort.  My husband is quieter, more pensive, trying to choose the exact right words, and sometimes, lost for the perfect thing to say, saying nothing.  When this happens, I feel anxious and fill in the blanks, talking more, listening less, and increasing the intensity of the argument.

But our therapist doesn’t let me do that.  “Hold on, Jennie,” he’ll say, “Let him answer.”  And my husband thinks.  And he’s quiet.  And that’s so damn hard.

But then he does answer.  He talks about his feelings, and the things he says are honest and sometimes hard to hear, but also full of love and compassion and a desire to build closeness.  And I’m so, so glad our therapist made me listen.

It works the other way around too.  Our therapist slows me down, hones me in on what I’m feeling.  And suddenly, instead of feeling attacked and defensive, my husband can hear my words instead of just my tone of voice.  And then he says things like, “I never knew that affected you in that way.”

And suddenly, thanks to couples therapy, we are listening to each other rather than waiting for our turn to talk.  We are seeking understanding rather than just clambering to be understood.  We are being vulnerable rather than protecting ourselves.

And ultimately, that is what is wonderful about couples therapy.

Please note that while I am a huge advocate of couples therapy, I do not provide it myself.  If you are looking for couples therapy, I heartily recommend Roman Gupta and Alejandro Romero.  You can find their information, along with all of the other former staff members at Through the Woods Therapy, here.