Something I’ve been hearing a lot of people talk about recently is the challenge of making friends as an adult. When you’re a child, it’s easy. You go up to someone on the playground and say, “hey, do you want to be my friend?” and that’s all there is to it. In college, you have classes with different groups of people, you have clubs and extracurricular activities, you have parties you can go to.
But then, as an adult? Well, you have work, but sometimes you need to see some different faces. And you can spend time with the friends you made in your younger years, but only if you’re lucky enough to be living in the same city where you grew up or went to college.
Why is it suddenly harder?
Well, I think it comes down to 4 things:
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There are no systems in place for this.
What I mean by systems is means by which one can easily make friends. The ease with which a child pursues a playmate is replaced by the vulnerable and complex process of courting friends. The process of joining a bunch of clubs and keep the ones containing people you like, all neatly packed onto a single college campus, is replaced by having to deliberately seek out organizations that can be hit or miss.
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Everyone is really busy.
Are you too busy to seek out new friendships? If so, it’s worth considering whether it’s truly a priority for you right now. If you decide it’s important, you’ll find the time. And if you can’t find the time, consider putting off making new friends for later.
But even if you’re available, you might find that the people you’re trying to befriend are too busy to make time for you. Some of this may be situational. If a potential friend is working full-time, has two young children, and is taking care of an aging parent, that person’s schedule is probably genuinely too packed. (See above: They’re that person I mentioned who should consider postponing embarking on new friendships.) But if they’re busy in the way that everyone, nowadays, is busy and just not able to make time for you… well, perhaps that’s a sign that it’s not a match and it’s time to move on.
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Adults, especially in recent years, are transient.
Have you ever had the experience of talking with someone at a party and thinking to yourself, “this person is great! We should be friends!” only to have them interject a few minutes later that they’re about to move somewhere far away? People in large cities are often so transient!
For the person moving, this can create a lot of anxiety about having to start over and questions about what the word “home” even means. It also creates a divestment from the process of building connections with other people. If you’ve moved a few times, it can start to feel like nothing is particularly stable, and the feeling of always having one foot out the door of any new friendship.
For a person who stays put, it can also be disheartening to invest time and emotional energy into a new friendship only to have someone move away. It’s hard when someone who occupies a large piece of your social calendar is suddenly no longer a dinner date option!
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Rejection sucks.
Imagine you overcome your fear of courting friends, take a deep breath, muster 20 seconds of courage, and ask a coworker if they would like to go to Happy Hour after work. Or maybe you invite the person you see at the gym all the time if they’d like to meet you for brunch over the weekend. And you’re really proud of yourself for being bold enough to suggest it, but also a little bit nervous about asking… and they say no. That stings a lot!
I’ve heard Casey Truffo say many times that 1/3 of people will be really interested in what you’re suggesting, about 1/3 of people will be actively disinterested in what you’re suggesting, and about 1/3 of people will be completely apathetic. Whether the exact numbers are right isn’t the point. The more salient piece is that it’s important to build a thick skin, and remember that rejection is very often not about you.
So given all these obstacles, how do you make friends?
Here are a few suggestions:
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Utilize the social resources you already have to expand your network.
The best way to make friends, if possible, is to use the social circle you already have as a jumping off point. If you know two people in the city where you live, and each of them has a party with 10 people, that’s 20 potential friends! If you’re feeling particularly bold, you can even solicit an invitation: “You know, I moved here pretty recently and I don’t know very many people. If you’re going to something with a group, I’d love to be included!”
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Join a Meetup group
If you live in or near Downtown LA, there’s a great one called DTLA Rendezvous. They do events at least once a week – usually Happy Hour meetups where people can socialize and meet each other in a casual setting. Group founder Carrie Cheung says, “DTLA Rendezvous is a great group of friendly and open people! It’s a great way to meet & mingle with Downtown locals & professionals while exploring all that Downtown has to offer.”
There are social Meetup groups like this in or near most neighborhoods, or you can seek out a Meetup for a particular interest, like knitting, historical fiction, or meditation.
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Go to the places that are your places and you’ll find the people that are your people.
When I moved to Boston knowing almost no one, I found out that dbar hosts a weekly event called Showtune Tuesday. Because I absolutely love musical theater, I started going most weeks, and I met a lot of wonderful people there! Even when there were no patrons I knew, it was like Cheers: everyone knew my name! It felt I had a home in a city that was so very far away from my home.
I’ve heard of other people doing similar things at coffee shops, restaurants, game cafés, and gyms. Go to a place that feels homey to you, meet the other people who enjoy the same ambiance. That’s a strong indication that they might be your kind of people!
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Do the things you love to do and you’ll find that people that are your people.
Similar to the last one, but less location-bound. If you love to play basketball, go to a number of different parks and gyms and ask if you can participate in pickup games. If you love to read, hang out at libraries and book stores and strike up conversations with strangers.
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Seek out people in similar phases of life.
Something a lot of people talk about is that old friends aren’t available anymore because they’ve gotten married or had children. (Or, conversely, their old friends can’t relate to them because they themselves have gotten married or had children!)
If you’re a new mother, go to a “mommy and me” class. If you find yourself single among hoards of recently married friends, go to a singles event – to make friends as much as (or instead of) to find a date. If you work a weird shift, go to local daytime events (at the library, for example) to meet other people with wonky schedules. If you’re newly divorced, or a busy professional, or new to a city, there’s probably a Meetup group for that!
By seeking out people who are in similar life situations to yours, you’re likely to have more compatible schedules and interests, which is much more conducive to forming new friendships.
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Don’t underestimate the power of your long-distance friendships.
Did you ever hear that poem: “Make new friends, but keep the old: one is silver and the other gold”?
Even if your friends all moved to other cities, or you recently moved away from them, they’re a valuable social resource. If you’re feeling lonely, they’re just a phone call, Facetime, or Skype away.
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Volunteer for a cause you care about.
What better way to meet like-minded people than to give back by volunteering for a cause you care about? Whether the cause is political or social, you can meet people while making a difference.
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As you try these things, don’t personalize your pain.
Personalizing your pain means taking someone else’s hurtful actions personally. If you reach out to someone new and they aren’t able to or interested in making time for you in their life, try not to get disheartened. It’s probably not about you. This may mean having to grow a thicker skin. It may also mean having to be fairly persistent and actively involved in the process of meeting people.
What are some ways that you have found to make friends as an adult?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments!