“I made you! And you wanna know why? You wanna know what I did it for? ‘Cause I was born too soon and started too late, that’s why! I could have been better than any of you! What I got in me, what I been holding down inside of me, if I ever let it go, there wouldn’t have been signs big enough! There wouldn’t have been lights bright enough!”
In the musical Gypsy, a mother, Rose, strives to help her two young daughters find success in vaudeville. Initially, she focuses all of her energy on her younger daughter, June, who is cuter, blonder, and spunkier than her older sister Louise, a reserved and lanky brunette. Rose’s one goal in life is to see June succeed in show business and she pushes her – hard – to be perfect in every way. When June gets fed up and flies the coop, Rose doesn’t give up. Instead, she shifts her energy to Louise, trying to mold her into the image she had been trying to create for June.
Mama Rose, as she is fondly known, is an iconic character. She makes us laugh, she makes us cry, she makes us ache with empathy, and she makes our skin crawl. She is, inarguably, one of the most memorable characters in Broadway history. But what makes her this way?
Aside from having several incredible songs, she is the parent none of us want to have. On the surface, she is a loving mother, wholeheartedly invested in the success of her daughters. But dig just a hair deeper, and you realize that she’s not actually thinking about the well-being of her children at all. She’s thinking only about herself and her toxic drive for fame, which she pursues vicariously through her daughters.
Narcissistic Parents
According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by “an inflated sense of [one’s] own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.” But this doesn’t always look like you’d expect. Rather than a histrionic “look at me, look at me,” this can often come in the form of, “I’m a special person and no one understands me.” Beneath the façade of self-importance is a very fragile self-esteem and a great deal of self-doubt.
The biggest challenge of parenting is that every parent is, first and foremost, a human being. This is true, of course, of all parents – narcissistic or otherwise – and it’s one of the things that makes raising children most challenging. For healthy parents, this might mean seeing your toddler’s scraped knee and wanting to cry or wrinkle your nose in disgust… but having to find a way to push through that human reaction to instead hug your child, stay strong, and reassure them that they’re going to be just fine. But for narcissistic parents, that’s almost impossible to do. Instead, the response might be, “what were you thinking? You know I hate blood, why weren’t you more careful? This is such an inconvenience!”
Like Mama Rose, parents with narcissistic personality disorder (or borderline personality disorder) tend to view their children – including their adult children – as appendages or extensions as themselves, rather than as individuals with separate personalities, values, and desires. Imagine your arm disagreed with the rest of your body. If I love the color blue but my child prefers green, that’s no big deal… but if I love the color blue and my right arm strongly prefers the color green, that’s baffling and upsetting.
When June wants to grow up, to date, to live independently from her mother, for Mama Rose, it’s as if her appendage has betrayed her. Rather than grow her initial hurt into a state of acceptance, as most parents do when they become empty-nesters, Rose needs to replace the appendage she has lost… and there’s Louise, less suited for success in show business, perhaps, but she’ll do just as well for the purpose of feeding Mama Rose’s narcissism. And when Louise finds herself on an unconventional path – which I won’t spoil for you here – Rose has to come to terms with the impact that this has on her own sense of self.
Managing Your Own Toxic Parents
If you, yourself, are struggling with a difficult parent, it is possible that they, like Mama Rose, have a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. Whether this is the case, or whether your parent just struggles with appropriate boundaries, it can be very difficult to form a relationship with them that feels satisfying.
Some people recommend that if your parent is toxic and does not respect your boundaries, you should cut them out of your life entirely, but under most circumstances, I don’t agree with that. While it’s sometimes important to let go of people who are causing you strife, this is somehow different when it comes to your parents. Most people who decide to become estranged from their mother or father find that they have a parent-shaped hole in their life.
Instead, see if you can identify one tiny thing that is healthy about your relationship with your parents. It might be that you and your mother like to cook together, or that you and your father share a love of old movies. It may take some brainstorming or professional support to figure it out, but somewhere in your relationship with your parents, there’s a strength to be found.
Once you’ve found The Healthy Thing, set boundaries around anything that isn’t healthy. This may mean Dad isn’t allowed to comment on your weight anymore, Mom isn’t allowed to interrogate you about your dating life, or neither parent is welcome at your home on Thanksgiving, which for some reason seems to be triggering for everyone involved. This is likely to be a difficult and painful process, because what you’re doing is rewriting long-established rules. It may be worth reading the article I previously wrote on what to expect when setting boundaries. But even though this is a taxing process, if you do it as kindly and deliberately as possible, it will pay dividends in the long-run.