This morning, I left my home to discover that it was raining hard. If you’re reading this from a different region of the country, you might be wondering why that’s even noteworthy, but for those of us in Southern California, rain graces us rarely. A thought jumped into my head: “Hello, El Niño!”

My hand twitched towards my phone. That’s not uncommon – frequently when I have a thought that’s a little bit cute or clever, my first instinct is to share it on Facebook. And even though I’ve gotten better over the years about not sharing every thought that pops into my head, it’s still my impulse. But today I used a tool that serves me well both as a clinician and in my personal life: Curiosity.

I wondered, “what am I hoping to accomplish by sharing this small-talky thought online?” So I followed through the fantasy, and here’s what it looked like.

  1. I post, “Hello, El Niño!”
  2. It gets a bunch of “likes,” reinforcing that other people think I am, indeed, fairly witty.
  3. A friend from my past, perhaps someone from college, comments asking about the rain. I respond to the comment. They respond to my response. End of social transaction.
  4. I feel connected to the world at large, significant, validated.

Well okay, this makes sense. As Brené Brown says in her viral TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability, “Connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” And I think this is why social media is so addictive – it gives us a sense that we’re taking a step towards connection.

That also explains why when I’m in an elevator, or at a crosswalk waiting for the light to change, I often reach for my phone and read other people’s posts. That’s the other side of trying to find connection through social media – thinking “maybe someone posted something that will resonate with me, and I can make a witty comment in return.” And what am I hoping for from there? Well, see the above numbered list.

But realistically, the truth is closer to this: Facebook serves as a proxy for connection – a substitute that we can lean on rather than taking the vulnerable step to seek it out in a more personal way.

That doesn’t work, though.  Connection without the vulnerability of involving another person isn’t really connection at all. When we reach out to another person, we say “I need you to support me. I know you may reject me, but I hope that instead you’ll connect with me.” And this is scary, because that gives someone the opportunity to say, “I don’t care” or “I reject you” or “you’re really stupid”.  But the flipside of that – the place connection comes in – is that when someone says, “sure, tell me how you feel” or “I can relate to that thing you’re thinking,” we feel our hearts fill.

But a lot of people would rather not take the risk of rejection, and so they post their lives on social media.  That’s much safer. If you post something online and someone mutters “so what?” and moves onto the next post, you don’t have to hear them or feel the pang of rejection.  But you also don’t get the same kind of payoff if the connection is genuinely forged.

So I recognize that if I post everything that springs to my mind on social media, I’m pretending to connect, but this usually ends up falling short because it simply cannot be a substitute for the feeling of another person saying to me, “man, I get it” or “I’m here for you” or even “that was a clever statement!”. And reading other people’s posts often lead to envy and depression due to social comparison. (Remember, other people aren’t posting that they feel disconnected from the world at large for no particular reason today… they’re just posting their highlights reel. That’s why your newsfeed is filled with baby pictures and engagement rings!)

For most people, simply put, a sense of connection isn’t really found on Facebook.

And so in 2016, I’ve decided to put some reins on my Facebook use. I’m not deleting my account, but I have a lot of other things in my life that I’d rather focus my energy and time on!

 

How I’m Decreasing Facebook Use

Just deciding to break a habit isn’t enough. By very nature of it being a habit, it’s hard to stop doing something that you do almost compulsively. Here are some of the tools that I’m using to decrease my Facebook use. Maybe you’ll find some of them helpful.

 

  1. Creating barriers

Some people find that deleting the Facebook app on their phones is a helpful thing to do. Personally, I’ve tried this before and the result was that I would just check Facebook on my internet app and then get really frustrated that the interface wasn’t as smooth.

So instead, I’m logging out of Facebook every time I use it. If I’m waiting in line at Target and my finger automatically finds the button for the Facebook app, what I get is the login page, which basically serves as a reminder that this is something I’m trying to decrease. The result is that I see the blue screen prompting me for my password, I think “right, this is a change I’m trying to make,” and I put my phone back in my pocket and people-watch.

On my computer, I’m doing the same thing: logging off of Facebook. The goal isn’t to make it impossible for me to check or post on my account; it’s to increase my awareness to help me combat a long-established habit.

  1. Turning it into a game

Gamification is the process of turning a life task into a game in order to make it more rewarding. So perhaps for every day I don’t post on Facebook, I get points.  When I’ve accrued a certain number of points, I can buy a book that I’ll have time to read, thanks to having decreased the time suck of Facebook.

Another way to turn it into a game is to tie it into something healthy. When I do decide to read Facebook, as soon as I click onto the page, I do 10 jumping jacks. Then I check the time, give myself 5 minutes on Facebook, and if I want to “buy” another 5 minutes, that’s 10 more jumping jacks.

  1. Thinking of other things I can do with that time

Make a list, perhaps in a notepad file on your phone, of 5 things that you can do with your time that you won’t be able to do if you lose the next hour to Facebook. This can be recreational things, like reading a book or going for a walk, or work things like crossing an item off your to do list. Then, when you’re thinking about losing yourself in a Facebook vortex, check the list and decide whether social media is really how you want to spend a significant portion of your day. This forces you to view time as a limited resource, which it is, assess your priorities, and evaluate the value of getting lost in social media.

Featured photo courtesy of mkhmarketing – CC 2.0