“Sometimes when we think we are keeping a secret, that secret is actually keeping us.”
-Frank Warren, owner of Postsecret.com
Seeking Connection
When you enter into an intimate relationship, you are seeking a deep, real connection with another person.
I love the word “intimacy” because if you pronounce it slowly, it’s “Into me, see” – and isn’t that the most perfect definition? Anyone looking to make a connection with another person is hoping to be seen as their truest, most authentic self. So what stops us from putting it all on the table?
In a word: vulnerability. Shared vulnerability can be an incredible jumping board for growth in a relationship. You tell someone, “this is me, with all of my flaws, with my messy past, with some insecurities and a bit of existential anxiety.” That person says, “thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for acknowledging your humanity. I, too, have flaws, a messy past, and insecurities. Now that I know you share these traits, we can deepen our connection.”
But the internal world of another person is Schroedinger’s Cat – that is, you don’t know what’s inside until you investigate. And while you hope for compassion, empathy, and understanding, the other person can also respond, “you have FLAWS?? Baggage? Fears about the future??? I don’t want to deal with all of that. I think we should see other people.”
Terrifying.
And yet… Taking this risk is the only way to truly be close to someone. When you take this risk and it has the hoped-for effect, you feel both seen and loved, and these are the two components of intimacy. And intimacy is the foundation for a strong, lasting relationship.
Secret keeping in relationships is very common.
A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of seeing Barry McCarthy speak at a conference. He’s a prolific sex therapist, and in the course of his career he’s worked with thousands of couples. When he sees a new client, he meets with the couple together, and then sets up an individual appointment with each person before getting together for another session with both people. At this fourth session, he encourages the clients to put all of their cards on the table.
Out of hundreds of intakes like this, Dr. McCarthy says that in about 70-80% of the couples he has seen, at least one person is keeping a secret about their sexual or relationship history or desires. These come out, with careful and expert questioning, during the individual sessions, and the clients are told therapy will be ineffective unless they are willing to disclose this to their partner.
Dr. McCarthy doesn’t work with a general population. He works with a clinical population – that is, people whose relationships are doing so poorly that they decided to seek couples therapy. Even so, 70-80% is a lot of people keeping secrets.
What Happens When You Keep a Secret
Imagine you are building a house and there’s a bit of rotten wood in the foundation. It seems like a small matter, but as you build the rest of the house, you notice the floor begin to buckle, just an inch or so. Still not a big enough deal to address directly – after all, you’ve put so much work into constructing the house. So you finish building it and you move in. But over the years, the spot rots more, and spreads to other parts of the foundation, until finally the house you’re living in is barely habitable. This is what happens in a relationship where secrets are kept.
It’s easy to see how this progresses. You meet someone new, and you think, “there’s this thing I should tell them… but it’s too early. I might scare them away.” You blink, you’ve been dating for a month, and suddenly you’re thinking, “wow, it’s been a month, I really should have told them that thing already. Now it feels like it’s too late. And I’m invested in this now – I don’t want to lose them.”
Over time, the relationship develops. If it was too late to tell them a month in, it’s definitely too late to tell them after a year… or when you’re moving in together a year and a half later… or when you get engaged two years in! Whatever the secret is, it becomes bigger than itself.
And what if your partner does find out – especially if they learn it from a source other than you? What they’re reacting to is no longer the secret itself, but rather the fact of the secret. “I’m not angry at you for x, y, and z,” they tell you. “I’m angry that you kept this from me. I feel betrayed, and I’m questioning everything I know about you.”
Even if your partner never finds out, the secret becomes an infection in the core of your relationship. You’ve developed tools and techniques to avoid having to disclose the secret. You’ve woven intricate webs of lies and avoidance, and those become cemented into the foundation of the connection you’re trying to build. You can never feel close to your partner, because you’re forever aware that if they knew The Secret, they might not want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
Most people who keep secrets do so because they feel ashamed. But the important thing to know is that in practice, the shame you feel can best be alleviated by sharing your story with a caring, empathic person. If you have a loving, supportive partner and you tell them, “there’s something I never told you because I was afraid,” a response of “thank you for sharing that with me. I feel closer to you now that I know that” is the best possible antidote.
It’s Not Too Late
You might be reading this and thinking, “okay, that’s great, but it won’t work for me. I’ve been married for 25 years, and my secret is too awful. I can’t imagine my spouse would ever have accepted it, but now they’ll be so much angrier that on top of the secret, I’ve kept it from them for so long.”
If this article resonates with you – and if you feel that your secret is interfering with your ability to enjoy your relationship – I encourage you to find a way to share it.
Do it on your own time. Don’t rush into anything. Gauge your partner’s mood when you’re thinking about starting the conversation. And be loving and thoughtful about it.
You might say, “I love you so much. You are so important to me. I am terrified to lose you, but I want to be open with you.” You might show them this article – to normalize the prevalence of this problem, or to frame your disclosure as wanting to deepen your connection.
It is possibly the scariest thing you will ever do. But afterwards, you will be seen.
If your partner accepts you for who you are, revealed secret and all, lean into and enjoy your newfound deeper level of intimacy.
But what if your partner sees you, sees the secret you have disclosed – but then doesn’t love you… or at least not that part of you?
First, give them time. It may come as a shock to your partner that you’ve been keeping something from them. They might feel angry about that and need some time to adjust to both the information you’ve given them, and the fact that it took so long for you to volunteer it. With time, your partner might soften.
But if, with time, the shock of whatever you have told them doesn’t wear off and they are still unaccepting of you, that comes with huge life changes. Your loved one might leave you. You might have to grieve the relationship. You might have to embark on a search for someone new.
Is that worth the risk? Only you can decide that.
But I know that for me, being seen by my loved ones is everything. On my lifelong quest for intimacy and connection, it’s important to me to be transparent. The end of a relationship is always devastating… but I would rather have to start over and have the opportunity to build something new with someone who adores me – metaphorical warts and all.