From a very young age, we’re told not to talk about sex. We’re provided with handy euphemisms for our body parts and informed of all the scary things that can happen if we have sex without protection, or with a lot of partners, or with the wrong partner. We’re taught to define sex in a very heteronormative and limiting way – as penis/vagina intercourse – and to view anything else as deviant or weird.
It’s no wonder that sexual communication is complicated.
But the problem is when we don’t communicate about sex, our needs aren’t met. Our sex lives are unsatisfactory. We don’t try things that interest us and, worse, we do things that make us feel downright uncomfortable. However, the kink community has challenged these ideas, and has created a more sex positive paradigm.
What is the kink community?
Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101
The phrase that jumps out at me from this definition is “safe, legal, consensual manner”. This is important, because the PR that the kink world gets is usually negative and, for that matter, inaccurate.
Here are some things that are not BDSM:
- Abuse (physical, sexual, or psychological)
- Use of power in a way that all parties involved haven’t agreed to
- Anything nonconsensual
- 50 Shades of Grey (This article has more on that if you’re interested.)
Conversely, here are some fairly mainstream things that could be considered (light) BDSM:
- A teasing, good-natured game of “you can kiss me, actually no you can’t”
- Consensual hair pulling, spanking, etc
- Role playing
The things that are the MOST true about BDSM, from my perspective, are the following:
- It’s about power – not power taken without consent, but power given willingly by someone who enjoys a lack thereof.
- The kink community contains some of the best communicators, some of the most stalwart feminists (of all genders), and some of the most consent-driven people I have ever known.
I’ve written previously about my perspective on working with relationship minorities. I also wrote another article in 2012 called 8 Things I Learned at Transcending Boundaries, which alluded to my growing awareness that we have a lot to learn from those who practice BDSM. I’ve excerpted the latter below:
I’m amazed at the level of respect and communication necessary to negotiate a BDSM scene. It involves setting boundaries and parameters, being open about levels of comfort, and learning how to communicate if things have gone too far. There are still a lot of ways that people “play” that I can’t imagine ever trying myself… but I think that when laypeople talk about Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism, the words that come to mind are often things like “perverted” or “depraved.” But if you take as a given that everything that occurs is consensual and set boundaries are respected, non-practitioners of BDSM could actually learn a whole lot about sexual communication from this community.
So without further ado, following up on my observation from 3 years ago, here are 3 lessons to improve our sexual communication and better our sex lives that we can learn from the kink community:
1. Challenging “Normal”
A lot of people worry about whether they’re sexually normal. They want to know if their desires, thoughts, interests, quality of sex, quantity of sex, problems with sex, and everything else they do with sex is on par with what other people do. They also want to know the same thing about their partners. According sex expert Marty Klein’s book Sexual Intelligence
- awkwardness and self-consciousness
- limited communication
- sex happens when both people are tired
- one or both people tolerate something they dislike, hoping that it will stop soon on its own.
The list goes on. “Normal” is so important to many people that related anxiety can bring a screeching halt to a couple’s sex life. But if this is “normal,” I think we can all agree that normality may not be the best goal. So what is?
What the kink community teaches us about challenging normality is that as long as what’s happening is safe, sane, and consensual, normal doesn’t matter. I’ve recently written about my rule of well-being, which is that if you’re not hurting anyone and you feel good on the inside, you’re probably doing okay. (For the kink community, I might amend that to say that if you’re not hurting anyone against their will and you feel good on the inside, you’re probably doing okay.) And sex is a perfect example of how this rule applies.
Let’s take a deeper look at safe, sane, and consensual – because infinitely more than “normal,” that’s what’s important here.
Safe – Is anyone in serious physical or emotional danger?
Sane – Is everyone in touch with reality? Is anyone in a state of mind that would seriously impair their judgment due to factors such as mental illness, substance use, or other life circumstances?
Consensual – Is everyone involved an enthusiastic participant, with no element of coercion? I cover this in its own section below because it’s so important.
On a whole, for kinky and “vanilla” (non-kinky) people alike, I think “safe, sane, and consensual” is a much more useful barometer than “normal.”
2. Negotiation
Imagine you and someone you’re dating are trying to decide what restaurant to go to for dinner. Assuming an egalitarian relationship where both people’s needs are valued, your conversation is likely to look something like this:
- Person A – Where do you want to go for dinner?
- Person B – I’m in the mood for Chinese food tonight.
- Person A – Oh… I’m not really in the mood for Chinese. How about Italian?
- Person B – I had Italian for lunch. Mexican?
- Person A – Sure, that sounds great.
In a non-kink relationship, a “normal” (see above) conversation about sex is likely to look like some variation on this:
- Person A – So um… do you wanna… you know…
- Person B – Sure, yeah. Let’s, um… yeah, I want to.
In the kink world, before starting a “scene” (a BDSM interaction), all involved parties sit down, fully clothed, and engage in a negotiation. This is an opportunity for people to express and determine:
- what to expect from the upcoming interaction
- what they like
- what they don’t like
- what might be triggering for them (words, body parts, etc)
- how to indicate that they are not okay with what’s happening
- how to check in about whether they are still fully present enough to consent
On a whole, this process ends up looking a decent amount like the above conversation about where to go for dinner. In the end, this leads to much better sexual communication.
This is something that can (and should) be applied in non-kinky relationships as well. While it doesn’t have to be as formal a process, everyone benefits when there is a way for partners to communicate if something is really great, really unpleasant, triggering, painful, awesome, boring, etc. These conversations are best had outside of sexual encounters so that feedback can be received with a clear head.
3. Consent
We’ve all heard of “no means no,” and most people (hopefully) respect that notion. But lately the conversation has shifted to “affirmative consent” (which to me sounds a bit redundant) and, in short, can better be described as “yes means yes.” A recent New York Times Article talked about how when this is presented to teenagers in sex ed classes, it’s confusing. “What does that mean?” the article quotes a student as asking, “You have to say ‘yes’ every 10 minutes?”
I would argue that if this is confusing, it’s because the notion doesn’t go far enough. Rather than “affirmative consent,” the gold standard is something called “enthusiastic consent”. What this means is that you’re not just pulling for a yes. You’re looking for signs that your partner is all in, and as excited to be there as you are.
Or, put differently:
- Consent = “No means No” = Your partner doesn’t object to participating.
- Affirmative Consent = “Yes means Yes” = Your partner is willing to participate.
- Enthusiastic Consent = “Fuck Yes or No” = Your partner is excited to participate and having a great time.
But the kink community even takes all of this a step further by creating systems by which people can indicate that they’re no longer having a great time. Here are a few of the tips we can take from them:
Safe words: These are words determined in the negotiation phase that indicate that a person no longer consents. This is great in any sexual encounter, but especially important in a scene where saying “no” or “stop” is part of what both partners agree will happen as part of the interaction.
Stoplight system: If a partner is doing something that doesn’t feel right and you want them to slow down but don’t want to bring the sexual encounter to a complete halt, a lot of people will use the words “yellow” and “red” to indicate “slow down” and “stop”.
Checking in: People have all different kinds of baggage around sex, and sometimes people check out or dissociate in the middle. In SM 101
Certainly the most important piece, consent is an ongoing process. Someone may consent to a sexual encounter on Wednesday but not be interested on Thursday. Someone may start to have sex and then realize halfway through that they’re not interested in continuing. Neither of these scenarios obligates someone to do something sexual that they do not want to do.
Even if all you and your partner ever want to do is have missionary-style sex on Saturday nights after the kids have gone to bed, it’s still important to have a space carved out for consent. Every couple needs a way for one person to say “honey, I’m not really in the mood tonight” without being shamed or punished in the relationship.
I hope these ideas help you to communicate better and to have a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship.