“I’m just a girl who cain’t say no!” proclaims Ado Annie (prounced Ay-doe Annie), from Rogers and Hammerstein’s 1943 musical Oklahoma! by way of introduction.
Poor Ado Annie. She’s so confused about what’s okay and what isn’t. Everyone tells her she has to find one man, and not kiss him until they’re married. While it’s okay for her boyfriend to sow his wild oats before settling down, she’s expected to be prim and proper. But that’s just not the way she is.
“I always say c’mon, let’s go, just when I oughta say nix!”
It seems outdated now, perhaps, but a lot of these old attitudes linger. It’s seeped into our cultural collective unconscious that women have to have a certain amount of virtue to be desirable, that their value is somehow connected to their purity, but men are expected to accrue notches on their bedpost before settling down.
Let’s talk about women who date men and Sex.
I want to acknowledge: It’s different than it used to be. People of all genders are expected to have some sexual experience – though not too much, especially for women. Sex before marriage is very much the norm in most communities, and dating (and sleeping with) multiple partners before choosing one is also close to universal. But still, attitudes linger.
“When a fella tries to kiss a girl,
I know she oughta give his face a slap.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I kinda sorta wanna kiss him back!”
And today, it manifests in unofficial “rules” of dating. How many dates can a straight lady go on before inviting her male partner in, without being perceived as “easy”? How long do you have to wait to text someone back once they’ve texted you? If you sleep with someone on the first date, what does that say about your value?
And for goodness sake, don’t seem too eager!
Sex does not define your value.
I want you to say that aloud: “Sex does not define my value.” Because it flies in the face of everything we’re told. If we have sex with too many people, or not enough people… if we like sex a lot, or not enough… if we dress conservatively (prudely?) or provocatively… What do these things say about us?
Brene Brown writes, “worthiness does not have prerequisites.” You are worthy no matter what. And the quest to be your best self, to live up to your potential, has nothing to do with your sexual history. What this means is that your worthiness, your value, are completely independent of:
- the number or type of partners you have had
- the level of sex drive you have – whether you’re 100% asexual or deeply sexual
- the number of dates before you sleep with someone
- the kind of sex you like
- the types of partners you’re attracted to
If a partner tells you otherwise – that you’re “less than” because you had sex with them too quickly, because you’ve had sexual encounters with 150 people, because you haven’t had sex in a decade, because you love sex, because you’re ambivalent about sex, and especially because you have a past negative experience or trauma related to sex – run for the hills. There are people who will respect you for who you are, and you deserve to partner with one of them.
Do what makes you feel good.
(And don’t feel like you have to do anything that doesn’t!)
I’ve talked to a lot of women who self-identify as “slutty.” They’ve taken back the meaning of the word. They find it empowering. To them, it doesn’t mean “I’m soiled, I’m broken, I have low self-worth.” It means, “I am a sexual being. I enjoy flirting, kissing, intercourse.”
But a lot of women – sometimes these same women – describe feeling that they want to please others, and so they say “yes” when they mean “no”. And this is problematic – not because of the amount of sex these women are having, but because they feel used the next day. They feel like they betrayed themselves.
Saying yes to ten people in a row does not mean you have to say yes to person number eleven.
If you believe that your value does not lie in what you have to offer sexually, you are empowered to make decisions from a perspective of what you want. You don’t have to worry, “am I “giving it up” too quickly for my partner to take me seriously?” If your partner doesn’t take you seriously because you had sex with them early in the relationship, that reflects their attitudes towards women, not your value as one.
And so the primary consideration in deciding whether you have sex becomes: “Will this make me feel emotionally good or lousy? Will I feel empowered or will I feel used?”
Not:
- What do other women do?
- What’s “normal”? (And perhaps let’s eradicate that word from our vocabulary.)
- What will make my partner stay?
- What will give me value? (Remember – you inherently have value, and it has nothing to do with your sexual choices or attractions.)
Slut-shaming is alive and well.
Question: “Why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”
Answer: You are not a cow, and sex is not the only thing you have to offer.
Is this something your mother or grandmother might say to you? Or does that seem as outdated as the musical Oklahoma! ? Okay, how about this one:
“Don’t invite him in on the first date, or he’ll think you’re easy.”
Or
“If you really want to keep him interested, you have to play hard-to-get.”
Ignore the “rules” and the arbitrary societal messages. What you really need to consider in your decision-making process, sexual and otherwise, is the #1 rule for being okay: the answer to “am I hurting anyone, and do I feel good on the inside?”
Follow your gut and do what comes naturally. And if what comes naturally is a pattern that makes you feel lousy, come back to the #1 rule for being okay. What needs to change for you to stop feeling lousy?
Beyond that, embrace your sexual self. Or, as Ado Annie says:
I’m just a fool when lights are low.
I cain’t be prissy and quaint!
I ain’t the type that can faint.
How can I be what I ain’t?
I cain’t say no!
Featured photo courtesy of Mraz Center for the Performing Arts – CC 2.0