Yesterday – I’m certain I don’t have to tell you – was a roller coaster of emotions. Most people I knew woke up in the morning, reveling in the likelihood of the historical day: electing the first woman to be the President of the United States. Family members texted me. Friends posted “I voted” selfies on Facebook. Those I know with children wrote heartfelt mini-essays about how wonderful it would be to have daughters who could grow up in this world. As I washed the breakfast dishes, I was so overcome with optimism that there were tears in my eyes.
But everything shifted as the day wore on. My last client left and I looked at the numbers. “Only the red states have reported so far,” I told myself. Then it got worse… and worse… and worse. I read a news article on NPR saying that the Canadian immigration site had crashed. I stayed up until it was declared to be official: Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States. I climbed into bed and found uneasy sleep.
At 5:00 AM, my partner and I woke up to the sound of the cat retching. “I think she just threw up,” I said, wrinkling my nose.
“She heard about Trump,” my partner replied.
I leaned easily into the comfort of laughing at the joke, and then it hit me – hard. This is what Obama’s detractors have been doing for the last 8 years: Blaming every tiny little thing on the administration they don’t like. Allowing their vitriol to seep into the tiniest details of everyday life. Becoming furious, with every cell of their body, until it’s all they can feel. And I. Will. Not. Do. That.
And you shouldn’t either – at least not in a way that’s that toxic. I actually think that sums up how Donald Trump was elected. People are furious. They have spent eight years stewing in their own feelings of helplessness, so they voted for someone as different from the current administration as you could possibly imagine.
And that’s what I started thinking about at 5:00 in the morning, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. But because I’m a therapist, not a political scientist, my thoughts progressed: How can we survive this? So I made a list, and now, at 5:30 in the morning, I’m sharing it with you.
How to Endure the Trump Presidency:
1. Breathe.
Let’s start with the most basic and most important one.
Emotional regulation is significantly impacted by the way you breathe. Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep, I did what’s called a “body scan.” I focused all of my energy and awareness on my right big toe and felt myself breathe in, slowly, and out, slowly. Then I shifted my energy and awareness to the next toe over. Tiny piece by tiny piece, I felt myself breathe into each part of my body. And it worked – before I made it to my arms, I had fallen asleep.
You can also integrate this into your daily routine by practicing mindfulness regularly. Here is a blog article I wrote that details how to do that. Yoga is also a great way to connect with your breath. For those looking for a no-investment way to try this and see if it resonates with you, Yoga with Adriene is a wonderful and free resource filled with over 100 routines on YouTube.
Or, if you need a simple starting point to help you manage anxiety in this moment, right now, this breathing gif is incredibly helpful.
2. Practice Self-Care
I talk a lot about this with my busy corporate clients – managing the stress of their busy lives as high-pressure employees, parents, citizens of the world. But especially during times of stress, this is really important for everyone. Think of it as a daily practice to prevent overload, as opposed to just a reaction to realizing you’ve become overloaded. Put it on your calendar, and stick to it.
I wrote a series of articles just over a year ago about how to recognize symptoms of burnout and practice self-care. Here’s that series:
Burnout: Snooze Alarms, “TGIF”, and Other Symptoms
4 Reasons to Practice Self-Care
100 Strategies to Help You Practice Self-Care
3. Seek out and provide safe spaces
The biggest concern I have about the outcome of this election – and the biggest concern I’ve heard a lot of other people expressing as results rolled in last night – is that a Trump presidency is going to hit marginalized communities the hardest. As a woman, I’m absolutely directly affected by this… but I also recognize that as a straight, white person born in the United States and living in Los Angeles, my privilege is going to insulate me from the worst of it.
Here is a partial list of the groups I’m afraid for:
- Women, especially those who are survivors of sexual assault
- People of color
- Muslims
- Immigrants
- LGBT+ people
- Disabled people
- Blue people in red states
I’ve heard this sentiment echoed all around me for the last 10 hours. It’s tempting to go out and become an advocate and an activist, whether you’re a member of these groups or an ally. But, coming back to self-care, it’s also important to spend a little bit of time in a safe space, around people who support you, share some of your characteristics, and make you feel validated.
If you don’t already have those communities, seek them out or create them. That kind of connection and social support is going to be vital to getting through the next four years.
4. Get involved
A lot of the toxic anger (and – important note – not all anger is toxic) that people feel about politics is a self-protective backlash to a sense of helplessness. When you feel like you have no control over a situation, that often manifests in an insidious way – stereotyping groups of people, violence towards others, and silent suffering that erodes your sense of control in the world.
So identify problems, and find ways to tackle them. This could be as simple as telling a friend from one of the above groups, “I stand with you”. It could be as far-reaching as volunteering your time for an organization who fights for the rights of one of those groups, or even getting involved in politics yourself.
When you feel overwhelmed by the political situation, make two lists:
- Things beyond my control
- Things I can do something about
Grieve the first list, and take action on the second list. The second list is usually longer than you think it will be.
Also, here is a fabulous list of places to help that contribute to the populations most threatened by the outcome of this election.
5. Find optimism in big human hearts.
And big human hearts DO still exist. Don’t forget that this was an incredibly divided election, and more than 50% of the country did NOT vote for Trump. (As of this morning, it actually looks like Clinton won the popular vote!) That means that if we rally together and take action, there’s still hope.
Another picture I’ve seen circulating around social media is this one:
In any awful situation, there are people who are helping, who are working to make things better. When you see terrible things on the news, look for those people. If you have children and you’re struggling with how to explain what’s on the news to them, point them in that direction.
6. Learn to identify your primary emotions
When you feel anger, defensiveness, or numbing, it’s a signal that you feel like you have to protect yourself. This is usually a sign to become curious about your feelings and dig a bit deeper. Under these feelings (called “secondary emotions”), there is almost always a more vulnerable primary emotion: sadness, hurt, fear, embarrassment, or shame. I describe this phenomenon of primary versus secondary emotions in this article about assertiveness, and also this article about understanding and managing frustration.
Once you’ve identified your primary emotion, label it by describing it out loud or writing in a journal about it. Find a safe person – someone who has earned your trust and the right to bear witness to your most vulnerable moments – and talk to them about it.
Doing this will help you to increase your understanding of how you’re taking in the world around you on a deeper level. And then, in 2020, you won’t have four years of accumulated anger and defensiveness to address. It will be easier to process and move on, because you will already have been doing so day by day.
Featured photo courtesy of Tom Lohdan – CC 2.0