The latest Netflix series generating a lot of buzz is 13 Reasons Why. But unlike Orange is the New Black and House Of Cards, the buzz mostly isn’t all that favorable. Aside from the pretty scathing review in the New York Times, it’s also gotten a lot of press for being a hot topic among mental health professionals, who are calling it irresponsible and potentially dangerous.
For those who aren’t familiar with the show, the basic premise is that Hannah, a teenage girl, has taken her own life and left a set of 13 tapes for her friend Clay. Each tape details one of the events that led to her eventual suicide. While I haven’t watched the show, I have read the book of the same title by Jay Asher. According to reviews, the show contains graphic depictions of bullying, self-injury, rape, and suicide. And according to mental health professionals, this is irresponsibly done and potentially triggering for those with post-traumatic stress disorder.
Some people reading these reviews might roll their eyes, and ask, “what’s the worst that could happen?”
But among mental health professionals, it is understood that self-injury and suicide have a very strong “copycat” effect. What this means is that when a person who is contemplating suicide knows someone who kills themself or sees suicide depicted (such as in 13 Reasons Why), it significantly increases the likelihood that they will make an attempt themself.
When Robin Williams died by suicide, there were memes all over the internet that said, “Genie, be free!” Therapists, psychologists, social workers, family members of people who died by suicide, and those with a history depression were appalled. The cry was, “imagine that someone on your social media circuit is trying to decide whether to kill himself – it is dangerous to depict suicide in this way, as an escape from all of life’s challenges.”
And so, for anyone who is hurting, suffering, struggling with mental illness, or thinking about suicide, I’ve created my own list:
13 Reasons Why It Can Get Better
1. You maintain the opportunity to make a choice.
The bad news: Suffering is part of life. This is true to different degrees for different people. It’s true to different extents in different parts of an individual’s life. But it is an inescapable fact of what it means to be human.
The good news: You can choose how you cope with the things that cause you pain. You can choose to manage that pain by talking to a therapist or close friend. You can binge watch a television show, or dance to your favorite song, go for a long walk in nature, read a book, practice yoga, work out really hard, take a jog, cuddle your dog or cat, cry until your eyes hurt, tune into your breathing to ground yourself, create art, take psychiatric medication, or any of a thousand other things. You can even choose unhealthy ways of coping: drinking yourself into oblivion, eating an entire carton of ice cream, raging and screaming at someone you love, picking fistfights with strangers. But the fact of the matter is it’s your choice.
The only way you stop having a choice is if you choose to die by suicide. That’s the only thing you can do that will make it impossible for you to later choose something different.
If you’re currently considering suicide, it’s because it sounds like a good alternative to whatever you’re currently struggling with. It probably makes you feel a little bit better, and a little bit less out of control, to realize you that’s in your toolbox.
But because of the empowerment of having a choice, it makes a lot of sense to expand your list of options and try everything else that could possibly take away the pain.
2. Someone in your life wants to help.
And it may not be someone you expect it to be.
I know an astonishing number of people who have lost a friend or family member to suicide. When they’re talking about it, they all say the same thing: “I wish they had talked to me about what was going on. Maybe I could have helped.”
Maybe it’s hard to believe that anyone you know cares enough to support you through what you’re dealing with. One of the lies your depression tells you is that you are a burden to the people around you. Reaching out when you’re in pain is extremely vulnerable because you’re opening yourself to the prospect of rejection when you’re already in a difficult headspace. But if you can push through that vulnerability, start calling the numbers of people in your phone. Hopefully you’ll be surprised at how your loved ones will rise to the occasion.
3. You can make a bucket list, and start working on it.
What do you wish you could achieve in the limited amount of time you have in your life? Is there a country you’d like to visit, a celebrity you’d like to high five, a language you wish you spoke, a skill you’d like to learn? Start making a list, and then get cracking!
I know, you’re not feeling any motivation right now. One of the most prevalent symptoms of depression is anhedonia, which is the feeling that the things you used to enjoy don’t excite you anymore. But there’s also this saying:
Action comes before motivation.
So start taking action. You don’t have to list 100 things – list 5. And then start working towards one. How great would it be if you could start meaningfully taking steps towards something you’ve always wanted to do?
4. Emotions are like being drunk.
That’s not something most therapists say. What most therapists (especially those trained in DBT) will tell you is that an emotion is like a wave. It washes over you, crashes to the shore, and then drifts gently back. That’s a beautiful image, but for a lot of people, it’s not very resonant.
But the idea that emotions are like being drunk? That’s something a lot of people can relate to. When you have had too much to drink, you think to yourself “ugh, this feels awful. I can’t wait until it’s over. I’ll feel a bit weak tomorrow, but then I’ll pretty much be back to normal.” By contrast, when you have a strong emotion, you think to yourself, “I feel miserable. I’m pretty sure I will feel miserable forever. I can’t imagine ever not feeling miserable.”
But what if we thought of emotions more like we think about being drunk? “Ugh, this feels awful. I hope it will be over soon. I’ll feel a bit weak tomorrow, but then I’ll pretty much be back to normal.”
I want to acknowledge that it’s not always tomorrow. Sometimes it takes weeks, or even months if you’re recovering from something terrible or if you’re bereaved. But even if you are in the throes of a major depressive episode (see the next item), this too shall pass.
5. Depressive episodes are awful, but temporary.
If you have had significant symptoms of depression – things like feelings of sadness, thoughts of suicide, changes in your eating or sleeping habits, and not enjoying the things that usually give you pleasure – for more than two weeks, you may have a psychiatric condition called Major Depressive Disorder. If this sounds like what you’re going through, please seriously consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
But here’s the good news: Major Depressive Disorder is episodic. That means that it comes in chunks of time – and what that means is that your depressive episode, as it’s called, won’t last forever. This is where a mental health professional can help – they can hold the hope for you while you manage the symptoms. They know – because they’ve seen it happen for lots of other clients – that there genuinely is a light at the end of the tunnel.
As depicted in this amazing webcomic, the symptoms sometimes abate in the most unexpected way – and then slowly, you’ll begin to get yourself back. And then, with the help of your therapist, you can work to proactively combat future episodes before they begin.
6. You can pivot and change trajectory.
A friend recently told me that she’s unhappy in her career. “I think I need to pivot,” she said. While she didn’t have a specific definition of what that would mean for her, she explained the concept to me. “Your life is going in a particular direction,” she said, “and you don’t like it – so you try something different instead.”
You can change jobs. You can leave your unfulfilling relationship. You can go back to school. You can take up a new hobby. You can set different boundaries with your parents. You can redefine the way you think about yourself.
Of course, pivoting is hard. As I’ve written about before, it’s a very human thing to try every comfortable option before making a dramatic life change. But if suicide is the alternative, maybe it’s time to be a little bit dramatic.
I also want to acknowledge that pivoting can be a thing of great privilege. If you have socioeconomic factors, a disability, or family factors tying you to your particular life, you may be limited in your ability to do a 180. But it’s still reasonable to evaluate the things you can change. I often think about this picture, which reminds me that sometimes we have options we don’t even see:
7. Post-Traumatic Growth is a thing.
Most people have heard of Post-Traumatic Stress. It’s the flashbacks, nightmares, reactivity, and overwhelm that veterans and victims of assault experience. It means that you went through something awful, and now your whole life has stopped to revolve around it.
But there’s also something called Post-Traumatic Growth. If you’ve been through something horrible, you can work to make meaning of it – by using it to contextualize the positive things about your life today, or by letting it motivate you to make a positive change in the world. For example, someone who has lost a loved one to a drunk driving accident may become an advocate for decreasing drunk driving.
This is not to say that you’re doing something wrong if you experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Quite the opposite – what you’re experiencing is understandable. But if you actively work through that, you can make meaning, become the hero of your story, and let it fuel you to make powerful changes in your life.
8. You can work towards self-forgiveness.
Sometimes we blame ourselves in order to feel in control. If you feel like something is your fault, it means you also feel responsible for it – which means you have the power to change it. But that can backfire very quickly. Because when you take responsibility for something you don’t have the power to change, you internalize blame, and get angry and self-critical.
I want you to give yourself permission to start working towards forgiving yourself. It’s a long and winding road. It isn’t easy. But it’s possible. Start today. Work with a therapist and start unweaving that web. With work, maybe you’ll be able to say, “I don’t have to be perfect” or “I recognize that wasn’t my fault” or “I’m only human.”
Well it’s worth a try, isn’t it?
9. You can leave a different legacy.
What do you want to be remembered for? Your kindness to others? Your passion for music? Your sense of humor, or awesome hair, or mouth-watering chicken parmigiana recipe? The way that sometimes, when you laugh really hard, you get a case of the hiccups?
What about your perseverance and resilience through the hardest thing you’ve ever experienced? How about the courage it took to reach out for help? Or how relieved everyone who loved you was when you started to get support and slowly step back from the edge?
Personally, I want to be remembered for my accomplishments, for the impact I’ve had on others, for my ambition, balanced with a healthy dose of consideration for those around me. I want to be remembered for my authenticity, and my love for the people around me, and my whimsical personality. I want to be remembered for how I burst into song at a moment’s notice. I don’t want to be remembered for the way I died.
What about you?
10. A new hobby, interest, or pet awaits.
If you’d told me two years ago that I’d really dig yoga, I would have told you that you’re absolutely wrong. I don’t have the disposition. I have a deviated septum, so controlled breathing through my nose is hard. It seems kind of boring. And all that spirituality stuff is way too new-age for me. And yet, I dig yoga.
Sometimes I look at my cat, and I think to myself, “how is it that you are so small, and you can’t talk, and you’re not even a dog, and I love you so much?” She affectionately bonks her head into my arm to tell me she feels the same way, and my heart overflows.
We’re all growing and changing, all of the time. Hang in there – there’s so much of you to discover!
11. Even if your problems aren’t fixable, they can be managed differently.
Some of your problems can be fixed. Even if it takes a deep breath, a leap of faith, and a lot of hard work, you can change your trajectory. You can get a different job, leave an unsatisfying relationship, move to a different city, or learn to respond differently to challenging situations.
But there are a lot of things you can’t change. You can’t change the political climate. You can’t change the existence of systemic oppression. You can’t change your natural body type, or the family that you’re born into, or a medical issue that afflicts you. You can’t change the past. But you can change your approach to these situations and challenges.
Viktor Frankl once said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” And as a Holocaust survivor, he knows what he’s talking about. Even when there are forces beyond your control, you can shift the way you look at, think about, or respond to a set of challenging situations.
12. 10-Years-From-Now you is a different person from Today-You.
Think about who you were 10 years ago. If you’re 25, that’s you at 15. If you’re 50, that’s you at 40. Were you the same person you are today?
We all have a tendency to underestimate the degree to which our lives can change in a period of several years. It makes sense – in order to have a sense of identity, we need to believe that – at least to a degree – we are finished products.
But if you think about it logically, it’s likely that you’ll change as much in the next 10 years as you did in the last 10. That doesn’t mean you need to wait a decade to find out – but it does mean it makes sense to lean into a growth mindset. Your life can change. And, more empoweringly, you can change your life.
13. Professional support is out there.
It’s not a coincidence that in this blog, which is on my therapy website, I’ve suggested several times that if you’re struggling, you may want to seek therapy services. But this isn’t just because I’m a businessperson trying to drum up clients. It’s also because I believe, wholeheartedly, that professional support helps in a way that leaning on friends or hours of internal soul-searching can’t.
I’ve seen several therapists in my adult life. The other therapists I know have also seen their own therapists. Given the nature of the work we do, it’s vastly important for us to make sure our own “stuff” is as buttoned up as possible. I know it helps, because it has helped me.
And I’ve also seen it help clients. I’ve seen people who come into my office so anxious they can barely speak, and after a few sessions, they’re breathing and processing their pain. I’ve helped people learn to be kinder to themselves, fight past suicidal thoughts, and rediscover what they love about their lives. Sometimes it feels like magic – but it works.
If you’re having a hard time, give me a call. I’d love to provide you with – or help you find your way to – the support you need. Because I truly, absolutely believe that it can get better.