Sometimes music makes you dance, laugh, sing, and feel joy.  Other times it grabs you by the guts and makes you feel the things you’ve been suppressing.  Either way, it can be incredibly healing.

Everyone has their go-to songs, but to me, this short playlist exemplifies the process of healing from a breakup.

 

1. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac

This is the song that captures the feeling shortly before and just as a relationship ends.  I first discovered it through an adolescent obsession with The Smashing Pumpkins (see #4), but it gets at the heart of the existential quandary that’s the core of so many “my relationship is lacking but do we really need to break up?” decisions.

 

I’ve been afraid of changing, cause I built my life around you.

Time makes you bolder.  Even children getting older, and I’m getting older too.

 

Breathtaking.  So often when I hear people trying to decide whether to stay in or leave a relationship that’s grown stale, these are the sentiments that I hear:  I’m too old to start over.  I’ve given 2 or 8 or 15 years of my life to this person, and I really, really need to see some payoff.

And then the thought of not having that person in your life is so totally overwhelming, because so many facets of your life are connected to them – what and when you eat, who you spend time with, what activities you spend your time on.  How can you disconnect from that?

 

2. Brave by Idina Menzel

This is a song about the moment of decision.  Making a massive change in your life – and ending a relationship is always a massive change – is always an act of courage.  One might even call it blind faith.

 

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,

At least it’s the first day of the rest of my life.

I might be afraid, but it’s my turn to be brave.

 

I wrote about the ambiguity of major life transitions in an open letter to my clients, and this song is all about the decision to take that leap.  It’s about fearing what’s ahead, but finding the ability to trust that there’s something in store that’s better than where you are.

 

3. Cry by Angie Aparo

Don’t let anyone tell you this song is by Faith Hill.  Hers is a distilled country-pop version of this Angie Aparo song that drips with emotion and sincerity.  If you’ve only heard her version, give this one a listen.  I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

When your relationship does end – by your choice or theirs – where are you left?  Crying, sure, but also wondering if it’s as hard for the other person as it is for you.

 

If I had just one tear running down your cheek,

Maybe I could cope, maybe I’d get some sleep.

If I had just one moment at your expense,

Maybe all my misery would be well spent.

 

When a relationship ends, you’re left with questions.  If your ex moves on quickly, you wonder why it was so easy.  It may have nothing to do with them but still, you’d like to see that they’re suffering just a little bit.  It means your time together mattered to them.

 

4. Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins

I used to think of this as a bit of a throwaway top 40 hit in my Pumpkins-obsessed days, and I was bowled over when I finally listened to the words of this song.  I was recently out of a long-term relationship, and the song hit me like a ton of bricks.

As time goes on, you start to heal a little bit and distance yourself, and you consider how you ever ended up in your past relationship.

 

So far, I still know who you are.

But now, I wonder who I was.

 

The end of a relationship is a restructuring of identity.  As intertwined as you were in your Landslide phrase, you now have to extricate yourself and relearn who you are.  It’s not as simple as going back to who you were before you were in the relationship because, truly, you can never go home.  And most of the time, you wouldn’t want it to be, because that’s going backwards, and the key, really, is to move forward.

So you do, one step at a time.  And when you have a little bit of distance, even before you’ve completely forgotten who your partner was, you start to reconnect with and redefine yourself.