“You know, I really thrive in the gray area. When there’s a big question looming over me, and I’m not really sure what’s going to happen… that’s when I think I’m at my best.”
…said no one ever
In over a decade of doing therapy, in serving over 1,000 clients, I’ve never heard anyone express that they’re very comfortable with ambiguity. Instead clients say things like…
- I’m really bad at not knowing what’s going to happen so that I can plan accordingly.
- I wish I could fast-forward and just have the answer already!
- I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Maybe you’re waiting to hear whether you got the job, or if she’s going to ask you out, or if he’s going to ask you to marry him. Or perhaps you’re waiting to hear about a medical diagnosis that could change the course of your or a loved one’s life. Maybe you’re waiting to find out if you’re pregnant. Perhaps you want to know if you got into your top school, or if you got the role you auditioned for.
Whatever it is, it’s a universal truth that it’s hard. Here are some ways to make it easier.
1. Be in the here and now.
Anxiety is any time you leave the present. If you’re ruminating about what you could have done differently or worrying about the future (which you probably are if you’re dealing with ambiguity), you’re almost certainly going to feel anxious.
The fix for this is to anchor yourself in the here and now with mindfulness. I’ve written before about how this helps, and also about how you can play with your breathing to the same end. I’ve also written before about how other activities, such as scuba diving and yoga can calm your body and keep you grounded in the present.
But here’s another trick: Sit comfortably and put your feet on the floor. Take a deep breath. But your hand on your abdomen where you feel the bottom of the breath. Now take another deep breath, and breathe past where your hand is. Adjust your hand and do it again, until you feel your breaths become deep and diaphragmatic, all the way to the bottom of your belly.
The reason this works is that when you become stressed or anxious, your breathing quickens, and when you’re calm, your breathing becomes slower and deeper. What you’re doing with the above exercise is reverse engineering the process – calming yourself by slowing and deepening your breath.
If you are someone who does better with someone or something to guide you, I also recommend the Headspace meditation app.
2. Throw yourself into something you’re passionate about.
Or better yet, learn a new thing. Take lessons in an instrument. Sign up for a ceramics class. Learn a language. Take improv classes. Join a team for a sport you’ve never played. Host a regular game night.
Throw yourself, head on, into something that is just for you. Not for work, not for your partner, not for your resume… just for the love of it. We know that playing is important for children; studies show it’s also important for adults.
Plus, if you’re thinking about how to make that difficult chord transition, or strategize better at next week’s game night, or not squash your clay pot, or improve your “yes and” skills – guess what you’re not thinking about? That giant, looming unknown.
3. Follow the serenity prayer.
12 step programs have a mantra called the serenity prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Any situation in life is comprised of factors that fall into two different categories: the things you can control, and the things you can’t. Let’s look at interviewing for a job, as an example:
Things you can control:
- How much you research the company
- If you’ve practiced your interviewing skills
- Whether you’ve brushed up your resume
- Making sure the details all look good. (I once addressed a cover letter to the wrong company – true story!)
- Whether you dress professionally
- Whether you’ve [gotten enough sleep], and made sure you’re fed and hydrated
- Leaving early to ensure that you’re on time for the interview
- Sending a thank-you card or email afterwards
Things beyond your control:
- Your natural chemistry with your interviewer
- Whether you’re competing with the CEO’s nephew for the position
- Having or not having the right experience (at least in hindsight)
- The interviewer’s possible biases
- Whether the company has an opening that fits your skill set
- Realizing in hindsight that your fly was open through the whole interview
So going back to the serenity prayer, your job is to focus on the things that are within your control, and when it comes to the things beyond your control, learn to manage your feelings (which are subject to your influence) and your responses to challenges.
4. Be a squeaky wheel, but not a pest.
Sometimes you’re sitting in ambiguity about something no one can answer. For example, if you’re in the two-week wait to find out if you’re pregnant, no amount of calling doctors or peeing on sticks or Googling “am I pregnant?” is going to get you an answer any faster.
But sometimes you’re sitting with an unknown that is within someone else’s control. A doctor who you feel wasn’t thorough enough to give you an answer, or your boss who is still juggling options about whether to give you a promotion, or a director who is still chewing on whether you’re the right fit for the role.
And in these situations, your job is to strike a delicate balance. It’s often true that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so advocating assertively for yourself is a great idea. On the other hand, you don’t want to be viewed as a pest, because that might influence the person’s decision about how to proceed negatively. If you’re not sure about how to juggle these seemingly opposite tasks, talking it through with a friend can be helpful.
5. Don’t make any major decisions.
When you’re feeling anxious about an unknown, it’s totally human to find yourself scrambling for something you can control. Sometimes this is benign. I once thought I was going to lose an apartment I really wanted because I hadn’t moved quickly enough to submit an application – so I reorganized all of my bookshelves by color:
I mean, it was pretty, but annoying – and ultimately pretty harmless, especially since I had to pack everything for my move in a few weeks anyway.
But sometimes this scrambling for control leads to Really Huge Decisions. You might decide to get a puppy, or break up with your partner, or quit your job, or buy a new car. Any of these things might actually be a great decision when made with a clear head… but right now, as you’re sitting with ambiguity, you don’t have a clear head. You have a head full of panic – the kind of stress brought on by feeling powerless and being in limbo.
So do yourself a favor. If you’re waiting for some big news and sitting with the unknown, when you have an idea to make a huge life change with lasting consequences, put a reminder on your calendar to reconsider it after the Big Unknown has resolved.
6. Let yourself feel your feelings.
Emotions can be painful, but they’re there for a reason. And truly, a lot of the emotional pain people experience is actually pain related to resisting emotions.
So make some space for yourself, during a time when you’re not at work or out to dinner with your in-laws, and let the emotions out. This might look different for different people. For internal processors, this might just mean sitting and letting your emotions wash over you, observing but not judging them. Or for people who process best by writing, it might be starting a journal. Or for some people, it’s most helpful to talk things through with a safe and nonjudgmental loved one.
Remember: Your feelings aren’t wrong. They just are. So let yourself experience them, and remember that like a wave, they will eventually pass.