“Most couples enter therapy 8 years too late.” I don’t know if this is true or if it’s an exaggeration, but it’s conventional wisdom I’ve heard repeated time and time again in the field of relationship counseling.
Whether the number 8 is correct or not, my experience counseling couples certainly reflects that many couples come in once they’re past the point of no return. By the time they land in my office, most couples have had a lot of time to accumulate hurt and let it fester. Sometimes we can unearth this hurt together and look at it from a different perspective or with more compassion, and help the relationship return to its previous, flourishing state.
But sometimes it’s just too ingrained. The relationship has become synonymous with a lack of trust and respect over the previous eight (or however many) years, and there’s just no untangling the two.
Why do people wait so long?
It’s really understandable that people wait so long to seek help. Telling your significant other that you want to go to couples therapy takes courage, and a lot of people fear the discussion that could ensue if they bring the T-word (therapy, that is) into their relationship. This suggestion could result in any of the following scary outcomes:
- Your partner expresses that they’re unwilling to work on the problems in your relationship.
- Your partner dismisses your feelings and tells you that from their perspective, the relationship is fine as it is.
- The suggestion explodes into a huge argument.
- You and your partner have to admit that you’re not able to reconcile the problems in your relationship without the help of a trained professional.
- You go to couples therapy and discover that you and your partner have irreconcilable differences and are better off apart.
Of course, another possible outcome of this conversation is that you go to therapy, work on your problems, and find:
- A more fulfilling relationship
- A more peaceful and happy home
- Improved communication that will see you through challenges that, inevitably, arise when two people share a life
- A rekindling of feelings of mutual love and respect
- Developing a new, more mature type of relationship with your partner
But when you’re considering whether to seek therapy, these possibilities can easily take a backseat to your discomfort about discussing it, and the fears listed above.
I was talking about this with a friend, and she suggested that part of the problem is that most couples don’t have any tool in place to help them regularly check in about the health of their relationship. I nodded in assent. “That’s right. In a workplace, you have an annual performance review to tell you how you’re doing – where your strengths are, and what you need to work on. Relationships don’t have anything like that.” Then I paused. “But maybe they should…”
In that spirit, I have created an Annual Performance Review for Relationships. Feel free to use this with your partner on a regular basis to gauge where you are together, and whether any domains could use some attention.
How to Use This Tool
Before I discuss how to use this tool, I want to talk about how not to use this tool. It should not be used to chastise or criticize your partner. For example, you may be tempted to pull it out in the middle of an argument: “You never listen when I talk! Here, I found this on the Through the Woods Therapy Center website. Go. Fill it out. And I’ll fill it out too so you can see what a selfish jerk I think you are!” This is setting yourself up for failure, because then the tool is inextricable from the argument during which it was proposed.
Instead of pulling it out in the heat of the moment, try suggesting it gently when you and your partner are getting along well. (If you can’t find a moment like that, that’s also information to consider!) I recommend scheduling it on a once a year basis – maybe at the end of December, or perhaps on the six month mark from your anniversary. (You probably want to stay away from occasions that have a lot of emotional weight, such as your anniversary itself.) Or throw a dart at a calendar and make that the date you do this each year. Like a work review, using this tool should be routine rather than emotional. “It’s April 3rd – time to check in and see how we’re doing this year” is much better than “You’re such a jerk! I’m going to go fill out the Review form to give you a piece of my mind!”
You can also use it on an as-needed basis if you and your partner agree that there seem to be pervasive tensions bubbling in your relationship, but it should always be initiated in a moment of calm, and with loving intentions.
The other important point I want to make about how to use this tool is that it is not a definitive directive or set of guidelines. You’ll notice that even though the items are scored with a numerical (1-5) scale, at no point are you asked to add these numbers up. This is not a “Cosmo Quiz” and you won’t see anything like: “A score above 43 indicates that your relationship is in Hot Water! Seek therapy quickly!”
What this is is a tool to facilitate communication. Maybe you thought everything was fine with the way your marriage is standing up to the challenges of parenting, but your partner has a different perspective. Perhaps you realize after using this tool that you’re not all that sexually satisfied in your relationship. All this means is that there are areas you and your partner should discuss. And then, if you learn that some things are irreconcilable, it may be time to discuss whether it’s time to consider couples therapy.
So, without further ado, I give you…
Annual Performance Review for Your Relationship
In thinking about your relationship over the course of the last year, rate each statement 1-5 according to the following scale:
- 1 – Completely disagree
- 2 – Somewhat disagree
- 3 – Neither agree nor disagree
- 4 – Somewhat agree
- 5 – Completely agree
- N/A – This does not apply to my relationship
Communication
This category addresses how well you and your partner are able to talk about things and feel heard, comforted, and respected.
___ I feel respected by my partner.
___ I feel that my partner listens when I talk to them.
___ My partner knows how to respond to my emotions in a way that helps me to feel validated and understood.
___ I feel valued by my partner.
___ Even if my partner disagrees with my actions, I feel that they still love and care about me.
___ When I need my partner, they are there for me.
___ I trust my partner.
___ Excluding surprises that are in the works, I am not keeping any secrets from my partner.
___ I would describe my relationship as extremely healthy and happy.
Disagreements
All couples argue and disagree sometimes, but research shows that what happens in these moments impacts a relationship’s health even in moment of peace.
___ I feel loved even when my partner and I argue or disagree.
___ My partner “fights fair” – no name-calling, dragging up old disagreements, or ultimatums.
___ It is safe for me to express my emotions with my partner, even in times of discord.
___ My partner and I have no lingering, unresolved arguments that impact our daily interactions.
___ My partner apologizes to me when they have done something that hurts me.
___ When I apologize to my partner, they are receptive to receiving the sentiment.
___ My partner picks their battles.
___ My partner is willing to compromise
Values
Similar values, as well as respect for differing values, are highly important to a healthy relationship.
___ My partner and I have similar values.
___ Where my values differ from my partner’s, we are able to reconcile this peacefully.
___ My partner and I have similar political views. Or, if we don’t, we are respectful and agree to disagree.
___ My partner and I have similar religious views. Or, if we don’t, we are respectful and agree to disagree.
___ If my partner chooses to use substances (alcohol, marijuana, or other drugs), it does not negatively impact our relationship.
___ My partner and I have defined which household responsibilities belong to whom, and we generally adhere to these.
___ My partner’s technology use is reasonable and does not interfere with our relationship.
___ I accept my partner as they are.
___ My partner respects my need for “me time”.
___ My partner and I respect (and perhaps even enjoy) each other’s families.
Sex
Couples approach sex differently, but healthy sexual communication is vital to understanding your partner’s needs. Additionally, changes in a couple’s sex life can sometimes (but not always) be the “canary in the coal mine” – the first sign that other things aren’t going well.
___ I am satisfied with the quality of sex in my relationship.
___ I am satisfied with the frequency of sex in my relationship.
___ I feel secure in my sexuality and safe to express my desires to my partner.
___ My partner provides a satisfying sexual experience and knows what I like and dislike.
___ If there is a disparity between how often I want sex and how often my partner wants sex, we have come to a compromise that works well for me.
___ I feel comfortable talking to my partner about the things I enjoy about sex.
___ I feel comfortable talking to my partner about the things I do not enjoy about sex.
___ There is an easy way in my relationship to express that I am not in the mood for sex without being made to feel guilty.
___ I am not worried about the possibility of infidelity in my relationship.*
*For polyamorous or open relationships: Define infidelity in whatever terms make sense, given the rules you and your partner(s) have established in your relationship.
Life Goals
When you make a long-term commitment to another person, it’s important to ensure that you both want the same things in the long-run.
___ My partner is supportive of my career.
___ My partner is supportive of my family relationships.
___ My partner is supportive of my friendships.
___ My partner and I have a clear vision for our shared future.
___ I know what my partner’s hopes are in regards to family, career, residence, and lifestyle, and these things are compatible with what I want.
___ If I have a clear vision of what I want for myself as an individual, it is compatible with my partner’s vision of what they want for their future. If I don’t have a clear vision of what I want for myself as an individual, my partner is patient and helpful while I figure it out.
Parenting (if relevant)
Many relationships struggle significantly after a couple has children, both due to stress related directly to parenting, and due to decreased focus on the couple’s bond.
___My partner and I agree on parenting style.
___ I feel that my partner carries their weight in regards to childcare responsibilities.
___ My voice is heard in consideration of parenting decisions.
___ My partner and I maintain a united front. (That is, even if we disagree, we have a single voice in front of the children.)
___ My partner and I have established a workable division of labor in regards to parenting responsibilities.
___ My partner and I regularly have conversations about things other than our children.
___ I feel at least as close to my partner as I did before we were parents.
Money
Money is one of the top things that couples argue over. Research shows that it’s not having money that’s important; it’s having similar values about how to spend the money that you do have.
___ My partner and I agree about how to spend money.
___ My partner and I agree about how to save money.
___ My partner is thoughtful about large purchases and we discuss them together.
___ When money is tight, we can discuss our budget without doing damage to our relationship.
___ If there is a large income disparity between my partner and myself, it doesn’t have a significant impact on our power dynamics.
Fun
Relationships aren’t all about work! Couples who play together stay together.
___ I have fun with my partner.
___ My partner and I have shared interests that we enjoy exploring together.
___ My partner and I support and encourage each other’s separate interests.
___ My partner and I regularly go on “dates” and have a good time.
___ My partner and I find small bits of silliness and fun in everyday life.
___ My partner is my best friend.
___ My partner regularly does little things to let me know that they are thinking of me.
___ My partner and I laugh together every day.
Topics for Further Discussion
Once you and your partner have each completed this tool in its entirety, sit down together and look at one area at a time. Here are some questions to guide you:
- Where are you and your partner doing really well? What’s working in those domains?
- What excites you about your relationship? What, specifically, are some things that your partner has done in the past year that makes you feel very loved and connected?
- Where are you feeling dissatisfied? Where is your partner feeling dissatisfied?
- What are some specific things that you can do differently to improve the areas where your partner has expressed dissatisfaction over the next year?
- What are your and your partner’s hopes for your relationship over the course of the next year?