I recently became aware of a New York Times op-ed from earlier this year called “Unless You’re Oprah, ‘Be Yourself’ is Terrible Advice”.  The article explains that while authenticity is the buzzword du jour, it’s actually not something most of us should aspire to.

I bristled a bit while I read this.  This is a very, very personal issue for me.  Not only do I aspire to live authentically; my current business card says:

Jennie Steinberg

A strength-based therapist specializing in authenticity, self-esteem, & work/life balance

As I read this article, I found myself agreeing with the author, Adam Grant, on a lot of points.  He pointed to an experiment done by stunt fiction writer AJ Jacobs a decade ago, in which he tried saying exactly what was on his mind all the time.  He was blunt with a child about death, he insulted his in-laws, and he hit on both a coworker and his nanny.  As you can imagine, this did not go over well.

But here’s where Grant’s thesis fell apart – this is not authenticity.  Actually, I read that chapter in Jacobs’s book a few years ago, and he doesn’t label it authenticity either.  He labels it radical honesty.  And those are two very different things.

 

How Authenticity Differs from Radical Honesty

The leading authority of our time on all things authenticity is social scientist Brené Brown.  If you’ve been reading my blog for some time, her name probably rings a bell, because I’ve talked a great deal about her work.  The New York Times article accurately quotes her definition of authenticity as “the choice to let our true selves be seen.”

But it’s more complicated than that, which is why she has written three books (and I’ve written a lot of blog articles) on the subject.

Let’s start here:  What is a true self?

At an international event called Mortified, adults stand up at a bar and read excerpts from their adolescent diaries.  As they read, the adults turn red, they laugh awkwardly, they shuffle their feet.  They look knowingly at the audience and smile, acknowledging the ridiculousness of their past selves.

And here’s what we can learn from this (aside from the fact that we’re all in this together): personality traits are not fixed!  We are forever growing, changing, reevaluating, learning, and improving!  People don’t have a core or fixed self – we’re fluid.

So radical honesty is saying whatever pops into your head, whether it might hurt or offend someone else, whether it’s something you’ve been ruminating and obsessing over for weeks or it’s a fleeting thought that just now occurred to you.

Authenticity is not that.  Authenticity is honoring your truth.  It’s doing the work to figure out what you need, and to ask to have that need met.  It’s recognizing when something isn’t working – whether it’s something in your life, or something someone else is doing – and setting boundaries or making changes.

You can be authentic and not alienate people.

You can be authentic and be kind.

You can even be authentic and be a relatively private person.

 

What Authenticity Looks Like in Practice

Authenticity is closely intertwined with vulnerability, because being seen is inherently vulnerable.

In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes extensively about this concept, dispelling the idea that vulnerability is weakness (it takes incredible courage and emotional strength to be honest enough to let yourself be seen), as well as the myth that you can “opt out” of vulnerability.  She writes, “if you don’t do vulnerability, vulnerability with do you,” describing all of the ways we become defensive, angry, guarded, blaming, and withdrawing when we’re trying desperately not to be seen.  And authenticity is all about being seen.

Authenticity is saying to your boss, “I’ve been here for two years, and I think I’m doing a good job… can we discuss the possibility of a raise?”

A lack of authenticity is feeling unappreciated at work and reacting by coming in late and leaving early, doing a half-hearted job, and trash-talking your boss to your coworkers.

Authenticity is saying to your partner, “I noticed that since we had a baby, we haven’t been having sex at all.”

A lack of authenticity is trying to make your partner feel guilty or ashamed for turning down sex, withdrawing from the relationship, and eventually having an affair.

Authenticity is saying to your child, “I made a mistake while I was helping you with your math homework.”

A lack of authenticity is telling your child that you haven’t been in school in 20 years, and they just learned this stuff yesterday, so shouldn’t they be the one catching those errors?

Authenticity is saying to your friend, “when you cancel on me all the time, it makes me feel devalued.  You’re important to me, but I feel hurt.  Can we talk about this?”

A lack of authenticity is not reaching out to your friend anymore, scowling every time you see their name, and gossiping liberally with mutual acquaintances about what a flake they are.

 

Authenticity sounds a lot like kind, loving boundaries.  It’s honest, genuine, and transparent, but not aggressive or abrasive, or delivered with the intention of wounding someone.  It’s sidestepping the temptation to engage in self-protective defenses like withdrawal, blame, shame, and anger.  And it’s the cornerstone of healthy relationships, across the lifespan and in all environments.

As for “be yourself” – if that’s not getting you anywhere, it’s likely that you’ve grown so used to being defensive, blaming, gossipy, and withdrawing, that you’ve come to mistaken that for the “real you”.  But that’s not the real anyone – it’s just the armor we wear to protect ourselves.  Being you means being emotionally courageous enough to dig beneath the armor.

So even if the New York Times disagrees… I think “be yourself” is great advice.  It’s just terribly misunderstood.