Last week I had lunch with an inspiring woman named RJ Molligan. After 25 years of being a trial lawyer, RJ realized that she was worn out from all the fighting. She recounted that in civil disputes, both parties felt so angry, hurt, and betrayed by the time it was all over that even with a favorable settlement, they would carry their resentments with them for years.
Currently, RJ runs a mediation firm called Peacemakers. She describes mediation as a process in which clients can resolve their problems without the drawn-out rigmarole of court involvement. When talking about her work, she said that she is “called to a ministry of forgiveness”. In other words, she strives to create an atmosphere in which disputes can be resolved in a way that enables people to move forward after the process, rather than dwelling on their residual pain.
She told me an amazing story about gratitude (last week’s blog topic) and learning to live for the moment, and with her permission, I share it with you:
75 Bee Stingers on the Edge of a Bathtub
A few years ago, RJ was out on a hike in Porter Ranch with her then-girlfriend and her dogs. One of the dogs wandered off the path and RJ went to retrieve her.
“Look out,” cautioned her girlfriend. “I see a bee.”
RJ had never been stung by a bee, but she wasn’t worried. How bad, she wondered, could one sting possibly be? But as she walked closer, it became apparent that this wasn’t a matter of one bee. Her dog had found an entire hive.
Next thing she knew, RJ was covered in over 200 bees. They were everywhere – all over her body… in her ears, on her neck, and so many around her head that she says her hair was vibrating. They were stinging her arms, her legs, her face, and she describes the pain as enormous, unbearable. As she ran up a hill to get away from the hive, bees all over her, it occurred to her that as someone who had never been stung, she didn’t know whether she was allergic or not.
And then, just as quickly as she’d felt fear, she felt a wave of profound sadness. “I’ve spent my whole life being afraid of things that never came to pass and missed so many opportunities for joy and happiness, and it could all end right here, on a hiking trail in Porter Ranch, from 200 bee stings.”
As it turns out, RJ wasn’t allergic to bees. She was physically fine. She said she didn’t even go to the hospital. She just went home, got in the bath tub, and her partner ministered to her with a pair of tweezers and lined up about 75 stingers on the edge of the tub.
I was blown away by this story of transformation. “Wow,” I said, eyes wide. “The scariest thing that’s ever happened to you, big enough to bring you to the present, to teach you to live your life… and the only outcome was 75 bee stingers on the edge of the bathtub.”
Her next words blew me away:
“Isn’t most of life just a bunch of bee stingers on the edge of a bath tub?”
In other words… bad things happen, and most of us take them as an impetus for worry about what the result will be. But at the end of the day, we’re resilient as hell. We are survivors. We can get through difficult, awful things, and if we don’t get swept away in the what-ifs, we can realize that it’s pretty much all small stuff and learn to live for today.