About two years ago, I wrote an unassuming little blog post that I called “We’re All in This Together”.  It wasn’t flashy, didn’t feature a clickbait title, and fell off my website’s homepage without much ado – but I think it’s one of the most important articles I’ve ever written.

The premise of the article is that in my role as a therapist, I have the great privilege to hear about the things that worry people, and through that, to come to the conclusion that we’re all insecure about a lot of the same things.  (In my business, we call this “normalizing”.)  The post you’re reading now is about #8 on that list.

Because something that has floored me in the last 10 years of doing this work is that body image problems do not discriminate.  They are nearly universal in women, and far from uncommon in men.  A decade ago, I naively assumed that these problems were limited to clinically overweight people and those with eating disorders – but it’s simply not true.  People of all shapes and sizes struggle with the way they feel about their bodies.

And it’s not just about health, or even looking hot.  It runs deeper than that.  It’s about perfectionism, control, “shoulds”, external comparisons, and a million other things.  So on that note:

 

Here are 7 ways that everyone can improve their body image.

 

1. Buy clothes that fit.

Or, to borrow a saying from the therapy world, “meet yourself where you’re at”.

I know I can’t be the only person who does this: I put on a pair of pants, and they feel a little bit snug.  Instead of going shopping, I think to myself, “these will fit in about 5 pounds.  I’m just going to eat well for the next few days.”

But the fact of the matter is there is simply no way to feel comfortable in your body if you’re uncomfortable in your clothes.  It’s a constant physical reminder that your body has changed in a way that doesn’t thrill you, following you around literally all day.

So buy clothes that fit.  You may have a momentary pang of shame, but that will pass in ten minutes, or an hour, or a day.  And then you’ll have clothes that fit, and trust me – this will improve your body image.  Plus, you look better when your clothes fit you well!

 

2. Value your relationship with food over the number on the scale.

I’ve written before about the importance of a good relationship with food.  Much of the time when people consider the idea of body image, they focus on master cleanses, detoxes, crash diets, and extreme workout regimens.  If you have the discipline for these things, they will get you to a lower number on the scale – and fast!  But these things aren’t healthy – and perhaps more saliently, as celebrity fitness trainer Kit Rich says, “Nothing extreme ever lasts.”

Instead, cultivate a relationship with food that gives you gratitude rather than guilt.  Focus on being able to enjoy your favorite things in moderation rather than falling into a pattern of emotional eating.  Learn how to check in with your body to determine how hungry you are.  This may not get you a supermodel physique – but it will get you to a healthy, stable place that is a good fit for your body.

 

3. For that matter, throw your scale in the garbage.

A few years ago, I went skiing with a friend.  We were at the rental shop, and in order to determine the best ski settings, we had to write down our weight.  “I have no idea,” she said.  “I don’t weigh myself.”  At the time, I was really surprised… Isn’t weighing yourself and having feelings about the number an important piece of adulthood?  But since then, here’s what I’ve consistently found: most of the people who seem to have the fewest body image problems don’t weigh themselves at all.

Every nutritionist, eating disorder therapist, and health advice column I’ve ever encountered has had the same advice: Don’t weigh yourself daily.  If throwing out your scale seems too extreme for you, weigh yourself once or twice a month at most.  If you’re accustomed to weighing yourself daily and find this to be a hard change, store the scale in a cabinet instead of on the bathroom floor to ease the adjustment.

 

4. Focus on energy, performance, and strength.

When I am at my best in regards to body image, here are the things I’m thinking about:

  • This food makes me feel so healthy!
  • I have so much energy when I eat x, and y makes me feel sluggish.
  • Holy crap, yoga/rock climbing/etc. makes me feel so strong!
  • I am so proud of the cool stuff my body can do!
  • If I eat that cake or drink that wine, it will make tomorrow’s jog harder.

Food is pleasurable, but it’s also fuel.  Exercise shouldn’t feel like a slog; it should be something you enjoy, or at least enjoy the benefits of.  When thinking about making positive lifestyle changes that impact your body, energy and strength are key.

 

5. Understand that bodies are supposed to change.

When I was in high school, I did nothing for exercise, and I was skinny.  Maybe it’s because I had an adolescent metabolism, or because my mom fed me healthy food… I don’t know.  But when I came back after my freshman year of college, I had gained a few pounds.  Following my own advice from #1, I bought new clothes… But I loved my old clothing that no longer fit!  So I put it into a box, labeled it “X pounds,” (number redacted to avoid triggering those who struggle) and kept it in the closet in my childhood bedroom.  For years I looked at that box and felt like a failure.  It took about a decade before I finally brought the box to Goodwill.

But my adult body was never supposed to weigh X pounds.  I wasn’t ever supposed to fit into clothes from Limited Too again – because I grew up!

There’s a damaging cultural myth that whenever we have the “best body” of our lives (culturally defined), that’s what we’re supposed to look like forever.  If we fall short of that standard, we are “out of shape,” which is to say, not the shape we were when we liked our bodies the most.  (By the way, for me that was *not* high school – it was about 4 years ago, and I still weighed significantly more than the clothes in that box allowed for.  See #3 on this list.)

But bodies change.  They get bigger, they get smaller, they get saggier, they get hairier or balder.  Your life experience and wisdom give you wrinkles.  Your adventuresome spirit gives you rugged soles on your feet.

If this is happening in a way that is too extreme, it might be an indication of a physical health problem, or a reaction to emotional challenges (depression, anxiety, stress).  But in gradations, it’s a normal part of life.

 

6. Reality-Test the Media

When I was in college, I saw the movie 13 Going on 30 and thought I wanted to work in the magazine industry like Jennifer Garner’s character, so I applied for a summer internship at a popular women’s magazine.  One day, the art director came in, feathers ruffled, and said, “I can’t get Britney Spears to look right for the cover!”

That’s how I learned something jaw-dropping:  it’s not just about picking a photo and Photoshopping the edges.  There are 20 photos in the exact same pose – and they Frankenstein together the best nose, the best breasts, the best left eyebrow, the best right elbow, the best bellybutton.  In other words, literally no one looks like the photos on magazine covers – not even the people featured in them.

So okay, we all know this: comparing yourself to magazine covers is bad for body image.  But it doesn’t end there.  Here’s an image I’ve posted once before, in an article about the challenges particular to living in Los Angeles:

There is a multi-billion dollar industry dedicated to persuading you to hate the way you look.  The CEO’s who own these companies are deeply invested (in the most literal sense) in convincing you that you’re not good enough.  The world, buying into these well marketed messages, will tell you you’re supposed to look a certain way, and that if you’re not actively worried about it, you’re doing something wrong.  Tell that part of the world to go screw itself.

 

7. Embrace the Paradoxical Theory of Change

This one is quirky, but it’s perhaps the most important.  The paradoxical theory of change says that the only way to make real, enduring, positive change is to accept yourself as you are.  Weird, right?  Because if you accept yourself as you are, then you’re saying you don’t need to change at all.

But check out this article about self-criticism.  Self-criticism doesn’t get you where you want to go.  You have to be kind to yourself.  Think of the most inspiring parent, teacher, or mentor you’ve ever had.  Was that someone who put you down and told you that you were awful?  My guess is no.  It was probably someone who believed that while you could work towards great things – you were already enough.