I was recently contacted by a middle school student in Kansas who was doing a research study about the impact of gender roles. Her questions were thought-provoking, especially given her young age (I thought she was a university student when she contacted me!) and with her permission, I’d like to share them with you.
1) Do you believe that there are any gender roles that people should be taught to follow?
Taught by whom? Studies of families with transgender children have shown time and time again that the children who flourish are allowed to tell their parents who they are. In other words, the parents follow the child’s lead. I think children of all genders, including cisgender children, thrive in an environment where – when it comes to questions of identity (gender or otherwise) – that’s the case. Society is so entrenched with gender stereotypes that regardless of the home environment, girls will be told over time they should be quiet and pretty, and boys will be told they need to “man up”. Home is ideally a place where children can experiment with who they are and unearth their own identities as they grow.
As for adults, if anything, I think people benefit from pushing the gender box a bit more than they typically do. Women who are taught to be assertive and who are encouraged to pursue leadership roles will thrive, as will men who are taught to be sensitive, compassionate, and not allergic to their own feelings. All of these things are important dimensions of person-hood and the more individuals have the opportunity to explore these “nontraditional” characteristics, the more well-rounded s/he will be. Laverne Cox talks about the hazards of “gender policing,” and I really think there’s a lot to be said for just letting people be who they are.
2) Do you think there is a difference in the effects of gender roles in males and females?
I think that men and women alike suffer from gender rigidity. So many men suffer from being told they’re not allowed to feel their emotions because real men don’t cry, or any other number of similar ideas. Women are oppressed by limiting ideas on what they are allowed to do (how far society will let them go, pushing the glass ceiling, focus on appearance rather than achievements, etc); conversely, men are oppressed by limiting ideas on what they are “supposed” to do (staying stalwart and strong, having certain interests, wearing certain colors, etc).
This is why I truly believe that feminism helps everyone. Feminism says women should be treated equally, can be strong, and can do most anything a man can do (other than perhaps some obvious physiological things). But it also says men can be gentle, sensitive, and compassionate. It says that people are people, and should be allowed to achieve the most they can, based on their abilities and potential rather than arbitrarily assigned gender roles.
3) Do you think that the way that a person is raised can affect their gender identity?
I think gender identity, though fluid, is not malleable based on the way a person was raised. But a person’s upbringing can absolutely impact their gender expression.
To clarify, my gender identity is the gender I think of myself as. It’s internal, and it can change from day to day. I may wake up and think, “I feel female today” and then wake up the next day and think, “I feel male today,” and then the day after that, I might think, “I don’t really feel like I have a gender at all today.” That’s my identity. My expression, though possibly related to my identity, is how I demonstrate my gender based on societal definitions. If I start my day with a long shower with a loofa and fancy lotions, then dry off, put on some loose jeans and a Black Sabbath t-shirt, sing along to Taylor Swift on my way to work, and then start my day at my job as a welder, my gender expression was female, then male, then female again, then back to male. If this is still a confusing distinction, you can find a great explanation here.
When people grow up with certain rules about what a man does or wears or what a woman does or wears, that can absolutely have an effect on their gender expression. Ask 5 people what makes someone a “real man” or a “real woman,” and I guarantee you that their answers to those questions will be the summation of their life experiences (whether childhood/family experiences, social experiences, or internal exploration of their own gender) to that point.
4) Why do you think obviously incorrect gender stereotypes, like that all girls like pink, remain in society?
Haha, I love this one. So first of all, the pink/blue thing is pretty arbitrary, as explained in this great article from Jezebel.
But to speak to the broader question of why stereotypes perpetuate, it’s because there’s often a nugget of truth to stereotypes. It doesn’t mean that the stereotype is true for all people it describes, but it means that there’s enough of it out there to keep it afloat. From there, the human brain seeks out things that are familiar to it. If I suddenly take up tennis, I’m going to hear people talking about tennis a lot more – not because people around me suddenly talk about it more, but because I’m more aware. Similarly, if I believe that all women strive to be supermodel thin, I’m going to file away conversations about striving for thinness in the folder in my brain under that heading. And the women who unabashedly order pizza or talk about trying to gain weight? Well, there’s no specific file in my brain with that label on it, so those things are going to be dismissed and forgotten, and my own belief is going to be perpetuated. That’s how stereotypes persevere. People remember the information that verifies what they believe and dismiss or ignore the exceptions as unusual circumstances.
5) Why do you think it is socially acceptable for females to be masculine than for males to be feminine?
Male is still the cultural “ideal.” Men have more privilege than women: they earn more money, they walk around more safely at night, they are taken more seriously when they talk. People understand why someone would want to be more masculine. I think there’s still this idea that being feminine means you’re weaker or less valued. So a woman wanting to be more masculine – more assertive, wearing pantsuits, and all of that? Well, that makes sense. But why would a man want to be “weaker”?
I think some men also feel threatened by a man with “feminine” characteristics. Carl Jung said we all possess an anima (female part) and animus (male part). In varying proportions, these qualities are in all of us. But if a man has been raised to believe that acknowledging the feminine in himself is the worst thing he can do (as many men are) and he sees another man embracing those qualities, a lot of feelings might come up. He might worry about being “outed” as having these characteristics of his own, or there might be a simmering jealousy of someone who feels able to express these things that the individual has worked so hard to suppress.
6) From your experience as a therapist, how do you think living in a household where lots of gender roles are true (For example the father makes all of the money, the mother stays at home and cleans and cooks, the girl’s room is pink and the boy’s is blue.) affects the self esteem of teenagers?
I don’t think it’s the content so much as the process that affects the teenager’s self-esteem. I guess in a family like this, I would be curious how these things happened. Maybe the mother really enjoys being a homemaker and has always aspired to that role. Maybe the girl’s favorite color is genuinely pink and the boy’s is blue. Maybe the parents collaboratively decided when they started to grow their family that given the amount of money each partner made, it was sensible to divide the household like that. I don’t think that kind of family is inherently harmful to the self-esteem of teenagers any more than a family where the mother is the bread-winner, the father is the homemaker, the boy’s room is pink, and the girl’s room is blue.
I really think what it comes down to is the rigidity of it all. If little Bobby said, “y’know, Dad, I really hate the color blue. I want to decorate in pink and lace,” what would the family’s response to that be? Or if Mom said, “I want to go back into the workforce and hire a nanny,” would the family be supportive of that? Similarly, I often hear about families who discourage their daughters from playing with traditionally “female” toys, such as dolls or kitchen sets in order to try to encourage equality. Equality means that a child, male, female, or anywhere in between, has the freedom to choose who they are. And if that means a little girl loves playing with her dolls, I don’t think there’s a problem with that. Support, ultimately, is the thing that has the greatest impact.