For years, it’s been a family tradition on Thanksgiving to pause from our dinner and have each person describe what they’re thankful for. Usually, these things have fallen into a number of different themes: supportive people, work and school successes, the kind of abundance that enables us to attend to pleasures and hobbies.
I love this tradition. I have conflicted feelings about the historical origins of the holiday, but I think everyone can benefit from taking a day out of the year to celebrate gratitude and giving thanks. But I’ve always been aware that doing this once a year isn’t enough.
A Gratitude Awakening
Several months ago, I was driving home from San Francisco, and I stopped for lunch at an In & Out Burger. I ordered my food and sat down with my travel companion. I was about to start my meal when I noticed that at a nearby table, some people were holding hands and praying before eating their meal.
“I’m not a religious person,” I said, “but there’s something really nice about expressing thankfulness for what you’re about to eat – for taking a moment to think about the people who don’t have enough food and not just taking it for granted.”
I was reminded of our Thanksgiving tradition.
My meal partner nodded. “And also thinking about how much work goes into the burger that ends up on your plate – the farmers, the butchers, the manufacturers, the delivery drivers, the cooks… it’s a lot.”
I nodded thoughtfully. How, I thought, can I integrate gratitude into my daily routine?
Why Gratitude?
Most people have what social scientists call a “negativity bias”. What this means is that we remember the things that made us feel unpleasant more strongly than we remember the things that made us feel good. If you think of it from an evolutionary standpoint, this makes a lot of sense. If something made you feel afraid or sad or angry, it’s important to be prepared for something similar in the future so that you’re able to protect yourself. But what it also means is that often, the good feelings get lost in the shuffle.
Think of a time you went in for a review at your workplace and your boss told you that for the most part you’re doing great, except for one little thing that you could stand to improve. What do you remember most potently? Probably not the positive feedback.
Gratitude flips that on its head by forcing you to think about the good things. If you’re purposefully dedicating energy to coming up with things that went well, you’re reinforcing those feelings rather than dwelling on the unpleasant stuff.
Probably for this reason, countless studies have shown a positive correlation between expressing gratitude and increased wellbeing and happiness. (Here’s just one example from Berkeley.) It helps us refocus our energy from the things that are going badly to the things that are going well.
So how do you make the shift?
Developing a Gratitude Practice
Practice makes perfect. Changing your perspective doesn’t happen automatically or without effort. It seems like an easy thing to do, but focusing on positive things can be incredibly hard. When I work with new clients, I ask them to describe their goals – the things they want to change – which they do with ease. But when I ask new clients to tell me about their strengths, they often stammer and struggle to come up with an answer. A mindset shift is no easy task.
The answer is to develop a regular practice to increase gratefulness, so that you’re shifting your lens and looking for things that make you feel fortunate. Here are a few ways to do this:
Journaling
Probably the most common gratitude practice is journaling. You can buy a diary or journal to use, decorate one yourself, or purchase a daily gratitude journal that’s designed for that purpose. Or, if technology is your friend, there are a lot of apps that serve that function. Here’s one for iPhone and here’s one for Android.
But really, this is very simple. All you need to do is commit to writing down (or typing) at least 3 things that happened in the day that make you feel grateful. It could be something as big as a promotion or something as small as the weather being pleasant.
Try to connect your gratitude practice to an event in your day so that you stay consistent about it. Maybe you write in your gratitude journal when you get into bed, just before turning off the lights. Or perhaps you set an alarm on your phone and write down 3 things at 7:30 every night. Do whatever you need to do to remember – especially in the beginning when you’re still cultivating the habit.
Sharing
One of my favorite things about our Thanksgiving tradition is that we get to hear what other people are grateful for and receive validation of our own expression of thanks. This can serve as a wonderful reminder about things we hadn’t even thought to include on the list.
If you have an “accountability buddy,” it can be easier to change any habit, and expressing gratitude is no different. You can do this once a day by emailing a friend, family member, or significant other 3 things that you’re grateful for, and read their list each day as well. This is very similar to the gratitude journal, except that it’s a shared experience.
If you have someone you live with, such as a partner, family member, or roommate, you can integrate this into your daily ritual. Rather than just expressing gratitude over Thanksgiving dinner, you can make it a routine at dinner every night. If you have children, they can participate too – and it’s a great opportunity for them to learn about the importance of thankfulness from a young age! Or you can exchange lists in bed with your partner before you go to sleep.
Expressing Thanks
Many people write perfunctory thank you notes (or, increasingly, thank you emails) when they receive a birthday gift or job interview, but few people take the time to do this for less tangible acts of kindness.
In this Upworthy video from 2 years ago, people were asked to write letters to someone who has impacted their lives, and then to read them aloud to that person. Writing the letters gave them a small happiness boost, but reading them made them feel amazing.
This is another gratitude practice you can develop: expressing thanks to someone who has had a positive impact on your life. Once a day or once a week, send an email or card to someone who has done something kind for you. It feels great to send that energy into the world.