“How do people change?”
I was at my group interview for graduate school, and my interviewer, Dr. Stan Charnofsky, the head of the department to which I was hoping to gain admission, had just asked us this question. The eight of us sat there, looking like deer in the headlights. We hadn’t studied any of this yet – how were we supposed to know how people change? Always assertive, I ventured a guess.
“Well…” I said, tentatively, “I think you’re probably not going to change something about your life or yourself unless it’s causing you discomfort. Change – real change – takes a lot of work. So unless you feel that something is really wrong, you’re not going to make the effort.”
Stan, as he asked us to call him, nodded in agreement. “And awareness,” he added. “The first step is for a person to become aware that there’s a problem.”
New Year’s Resolutions
As we approach the New Year, a lot of people are hoping to make changes. They recognize their shortcomings and say, “I can be better, and I want to make a change.”
If you’re making a resolution, chances are you’ve already reached the point of awareness and discomfort. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you are aware that you weigh more than you would like to, and you are uncomfortable with this notion. So you resolve to do something about it. Excellent.
But really, that’s step 1. Where do you go from there? Because every year, thousands of people get to the point of awareness and discomfort, make a resolution on January 1st, and return to their pie-eating, sedentary lifestyles by January 4th.
A Formula for Lasting Change
The subject of change was also later addressed at a workshop I attended while in graduate school. The process was presented in 3 simple steps:
- Start immediately
- No exceptions
- Tell the world
Start Immediately
You’ve probably heard the adage, “never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Equally relevant is, “no time like the present.” People often designate a date to start their desired change. New Year’s Day is a popular one. “Starting in 2012, I’m not going to smoke anymore.” Or people find times when they believe it will be difficult to stick to their guns. “I can’t start my diet today, because I’m throwing my friend a birthday party next week. But I’ll eat better after that.”
The problem with this is that there is always an excuse. “I was going to quit smoking, but work is so stressful at the beginning of a new year.” Or, “I was planning to start my diet after the party, but all the guests brought junk food and now it’s all over my house.” When you’re really, seriously ready to make a change, don’t pick a date in the future – start now.
No exceptions
There is a method of persuasion called the foot-in-the-door theory. A friend asks for a dollar. Sure, why not? What’s a dollar? “Oh actually, do you have a five?” Studies show that you’re much more likely to give them the five than if they had just asked for it upfront. You already have your wallet out. You’re already in the mindset of giving your friend money. You persuade yourself of things with the foot-in-the-door theory all the time. “Ok, just this one piece of cake,” you tell yourself. But then the diet is shot for the day, so why not have Burger King for dinner, and what’s one more piece of cake? And then the next day, well, you didn’t eat right yesterday, and nothing catastrophic happened as far as you can tell, so why not go back to your old ways?
It’s like the old ad for Lay’s potato chips – you can’t have just one. Real change means no exceptions.
Tell the World
This is all about accountability. I’ve been on “secret diets” before, because I’m by no means a large person – I just know I could eat better and be healthier, and it couldn’t hurt my long-term health to lose about 10 pounds. So the diets have been secret because I don’t want to defend myself when people tell me I’m being ridiculous and I don’t need to lose weight.
But is that really my motive? Or do I just not want to be questioned when I have a moment of weakness and decide to order dessert? If I’m with a friend who knows I’m trying to eat more healthfully (or read more, or drink less, or improve myself in any way) and they notice that I’m lapsing, I feel embarrassed. If you’re making a change, it’s helpful to have the people in your life who love and care about you keeping tabs, even if it’s a little bit annoying.
The flip side of that is that your friends and family can reinforce your changes. If you’re trying to go to sleep earlier, they might observe that you seem more energized. If you’re trying to be more direct, they might tell you that they really appreciate the way you’ve started to be more straightforward. And those compliments – let’s face it – are really nice to hear. If you’re trying to change something about your life, don’t hide it – tell the world.
One final note about change before I go watch the ball drop: make sure that whatever you’ve resolved to do better in 2012 is something you’re doing for yourself. Personal growth is something I want to actively encourage, but it needs to be in the direction you think you need to grow. Take a moment for introspection and make sure that this is something that you, not someone else, feel would be beneficial to you.
Even if you’re aware that your friend thinks you should go to the gym, and it causes you discomfort when she remarks on it, you’re not going to make ANY change that you don’t want to make yourself. This is not to say that something that has been suggested to you may not be valid, but make sure it’s something that you want too.
That said, have a happy New Year, and I wish you happiness and success with your resolutions in 2012!