Yesterday, on Valentine’s Day, maybe you bought someone flowers. Maybe you took them out to dinner or prepared them an extravagant meal. Maybe you told them you love them to the world and back, and wrote them a card saying you’re grateful for their presence in your life, that they make you want to be a better person.

What if you loved yourself that much?

I know, it’s the cliché to end all clichés: love yourself before you can truly love another. But actually, I don’t think that’s true. I think you can love someone else without loving yourself. I think you can throw yourself wholeheartedly into a new relationship, going above and beyond, and giving all the love you can find, without thinking you’re worth a damn. We all want connection (romantic or otherwise), whether we love ourselves or not.

What happens, though, when that relationship with another person grows and matures? What happens when after a year or two your partner, who you love more than anything else in the world, tells you they’re tired of you leaving your socks on the floor? If you don’t believe in your own value, in your own worthiness, maybe you think, “I am a terrible sock-leaving-on-the-floor slob, a wreck of a person.”

Then you feel ashamed, but shame is squishy and vulnerable, so instead you put on your armor and dive into battle in order to protect yourself from that shame. You say, “oh yeah? Well sometimes you leave dishes in the sink – you’re not so perfect either, are you, buddy?” Then suddenly you’re arguing with this person you love, an all-out brawl that lasts until 3 AM, and you think, “wow, how did we get here?”

If you loved yourself first, you could self-soothe. You could say, “I’m not a wreck of a person – I’m human. I leave socks on the floor, and it bothers this person I love, and I want to try not to do that because I care very much about them.” You could respond, “Thank you for letting me know that’s bothering you, my love. I’ll try to be better about picking up my socks.” That’s not to say that people who love themselves never argue with their partners – but they’re a lot more resilient to kind, well-intended criticism.

Most people are harder on themselves than they are on other people. Why?

They fear losing motivation.

Perhaps you believe: “I will only continue to strive if I’m hard on myself. If I’m compassionate to myself, I’ll give up and be a failure, a loser.”

You learn this from the family you grew up in. Your parents taught you, “I’m going to have high expectations of you, to never be satisfied, to always push you harder, because I want you to strive for excellence.” They meant well, and eventually you learned to parent yourself in that same way. “If I don’t lose the weight,” you say, “I’m a worthless loser. And because I don’t want to be a worthless loser, I’ll go to the gym as punishment for eating lunch.” (Or “I’m worthless if I don’t get the promotion, so I’ll work 16 hour days”, or whatever your barometer for worthiness is.”)

In actuality, being hard on yourself undermines your motivation, and you’re much more driven when you’re compassionate towards yourself. I always knew this intuitively, but I didn’t have the words to describe to my clients why that is until I watched a TED Talk by Kristin Neff, the leading researcher on self-compassion. Here’s what she says:

“When we criticize ourselves, we are tapping into our body’s threat defense system – the reptilian brain. This system evolved so that if there is a threat to our physical person, we release adrenaline and cortisol and prepare for the fight or flight response… So when we think a thought about ourselves that we don’t like, that’s some imperfection, we feel threatened, and so we attack the problem, meaning we attack ourselves. And with self-criticism, it’s a double whammy because we are both the attacker and the attacked… Eventually, the body to protect itself will become depressed in order to deal with all the stress. And as we know, depression is not exactly the best motivational mindset…

“What’s unique about mammals is they are born very immature, which means a system had to be evolved in which the infant would want to stay close next to the mother and stay safe, which means our bodies are programmed to response to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations. So when we give ourselves compassion, the research shows we actually reduce our cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates, which are the feel-good hormones. And when we feel safe and comforted, we are in the optimal mind state to do our best.”

In other words, when you are self-critical, you are both the bully and the victim, and eventually you emotionally shut down. When you are kind and loving towards yourself, you’re well positioned to be your “best self”.

How to Love Yourself Better

If you’re not in the habit of being compassionate and loving to yourself, it can be a difficult change to make. Here are a few things that you can do to get started:

  • Begin to notice when you are hard on yourself. The field of cognitive behavioral therapy has a saying: “Catch it, check it, change it.”
  • Ask yourself, “what would I say to my best friend if this were their experience rather than mine?” Then try to talk to yourself with the same kind words you would use when talking to another person you cared about.
  • See if you can identify where you learned to talk to yourself critically. Is that how your mom talks to you? Certainly she has always meant well, pushing you to be your best, but now you recognize that this isn’t serving you anymore. When you hear that voice, label it: “That’s my mom voice,” and begin to tap into what your own voice would say if you were more loving and compassionate to yourself.
  • Ask for help. Sometimes we can’t see our own back sides. Talk to someone you trust about what it’s like for them when you’re self-critical. Reach out to a therapist (you can reach out to schedule a free phone consultation here) to begin unraveling the way you talk to yourself, and learn to love yourself in the same way you love others.

What if you loved yourself the way you love other people? What if you wrote yourself a letter of gratitude for all that you’ve done for you? What if you could start by being your own Valentine?

Featured photo courtesy of Juliana Coutinho – CC 2.0