Adjusting to New Parenthood
No one can really prepare you for the tectonic shift that occurs when you become a new parent. Everything in your life changes: your relationship with time, your relationship with your partner, your values, your career ambitions, the things that scare you, the boundaries you set, your relationship with your own parents, and a million other things.
I remember being worried that becoming a parent meant I would lose my identity, but what I didn’t understand was that it would actually fundamentally change my identity. There’s a word for this transition, and although I wish it were less gendered, I’m a little bit obsessed with it:
Matrescence
The word root here is the same as in the word “adolescence,” and similarly, the core task of this period of life is navigating the task of figuring out how your identity has evolved after becoming a parent. And of course, like in adolescence, this happens against a backdrop of a million hormonal, physical, emotional, and logistical changes to your life.
During new parenthood, especially for primary parents and birth parents, having support is so important. But at the end of the day, you are figuring out who you now are, all by yourself. This can be deeply lonely, but it can also be an empowering opportunity to revisit huge existential questions, like what matters to you, how you spend your time, and who you want to become.
New parenthood means learning to love like you’ve never loved before (though this doesn’t always kick in right away), and having to sacrifice like you’ve never sacrificed before. It’s not just about the sleepless nights and the changes to your body, though those things definitely have an impact. It’s also about how time ceases to exist during the newborn stage, and then hits you full throttle when you emerge into the world, reenter the workplace, or try to integrate your new parenthood role into your “before” life.
I work with new parents to help you navigate this tough period, find your way to a “new normal,” and figure out how to balance the “before you” and the “after you” to build a cohesive new identity.
Balancing Expectations with Reality
When I was about 2 weeks postpartum, I decided to go for a baby-wearing walk to get a cup of coffee. It was my first time leaving the house since coming home from the hospital. I was bleary-eyed, hadn’t slept more than a 2-hour stretch in weeks, and had become a full-time, around-the-clock dairy factory that couldn’t quite seem to function correctly. (Breastfeeding challenges are a huge contributor to postpartum blues, depression, and anxiety.) The transition to new parenthood was taking its toll on me.
As I dragged my feet along, a woman stopped me. “How old is your baby?” I told her. “Oh my goodness, this is the BEST PART! The newborn stage is such a joy! Enjoy and cherish EVERY MINUTE of it!”
“Shit,” I thought, “if this is the best part, what the hell have I signed up for?” (For the record, I now have a preschooler, and in my personal experience, every month is better than the month that preceded it.)
We are sold a lot of false messages about the feelings we’re supposed to have when we become parents. We’re supposed to feel an instant connection, be in a cozy bubble with our newborns, be sleepy and bleary-eyed and up all night – but in a sweet, romanticized way.
For some people, all of those things are true. And for others, it feels like a bomb exploded in your life. There’s a new human who you don’t really know and who depends on you for literally everything, your body feels alien, and you’re just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Somehow, you feel both overwhelmed and crowded by people and deeply lonely at the same time.
It is very common during this stage to have Big Doubts. Questions about whether you’ve made a huge mistake, whether you are someone who enjoys parenthood, and whether you are connecting with your baby are so very normal.
I support parents in navigating this tough stage and these huge questions while they settle into a new normal
The Baby Blues, and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety
Even though people talk about postpartum depression, it can be very hard to identify in yourself. Amid all of the turmoil of everything I wrote about above, it’s hard to parse out whether what you’re feeling is normal, transitional stuff, or something with deeper clinical implications. (And even if it’s “normal” stuff – called the “baby blues,” it can be very helpful to talk about it in therapy.)
The other thing that almost no one talks about is postpartum anxiety. Postpartum depression is when you feel sad, withdrawn, hopeless, and disconnected; postpartum anxiety is when you feel afraid a lot, have scary thoughts about bad things that could happen to your baby, or worry that you could hurt the baby.
It’s worth noting that it’s not unusual to have scary thoughts, as long as those thoughts do, in fact, make you feel scared. If you have thoughts about harming yourself or your baby that do not feel alarming or irrational, you may be experiencing postpartum psychosis, and you should call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
The good news is that talk therapy is a very effective treatment for postpartum depression and anxiety. Through talk therapy, I help you normalize and make sense of what you’re feeling, integrate the huge changes you’re navigating, and support you in finding your way back to yourself.
Reach out
I am a Certified Perinatal Health Professional (PMH-C), and would love to help you navigate this difficult period. For support during the challenging transition to new parenthood, reach out to schedule a free phone consultation now!