There are many things you don’t know about self-criticism and it’s because you are very stupid. You should know these things – they’re really obvious. I bet the guy in the office next to you knows these things… Phil, with his full head of hair and perfect social skills. I bet he’s got it all figured out, but not you. You’re not nearly as smart as Phil.
What a horrible way for me to start this blog article! I would never say that to you – but I bet sometimes you say things like that to yourself.
A lot of people – and perhaps you’re one of them – believe that being hard on themselves is motivating. They imagine that the thing keeping them ambitious is the fear of disappointing themselves and other people. If they were kind to themselves and made allowances for inevitable (human) mistakes, they imagine they would do nothing but eat pizza and binge-watch The Real Housewives of Wherever.
But that simply isn’t true. Research shows the opposite – that people are harder working, more motivated, and more creative when they (and others) are kind to themselves. And that is the premise of the book I’m currently reading: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. In her book and in her TED talk, Neff talks about how self-compassion is key and self-criticism is harmful.
Here are five things from her research that you probably didn’t know about self-criticism:
1. When you engage in self-criticism, you are both the attacker and the attacked.
Imagine that you’re a wildebeest grazing in the grass, and suddenly you see a lion lurking and ready to pounce. You’re going to spring into fight/flight/freeze mode, and your brain is going to surge with a stress hormone called cortisol.
Now imagine that you’re the lion, ready to pounce. Your survival is on the line and all you can think about is getting that unsuspecting meal.
When you are self-critical, you are both the wildebeest and the lion at the same time. You are viciously attacking, and also being viciously attacked. You are the bully and the bullied. How do you perform under those circumstances? As a bully, or as someone being bullied, are you at your best, healthiest, and most creative? I know I’m not.
So this idea that being hard on yourself leads you to be a better employee, a smarter decision-maker, a healthier eater, a more disciplined exerciser, a more competent parent, and a more available partner and friend – well, it simply isn’t true. When you are both attacking and being attacked, you are simply not your best self.
2. The language of self-criticism actually reinforces undesired behaviors.
Here is an example: “I said some mean things to my wife, but I am such a fair person that I am punishing myself for it.”
Sometimes we use self-criticism to let ourselves off the hook, so to speak. If I can restore a karmic balance to the universe by making sure I know exactly how horrible I am, maybe that thing I did wasn’t so bad. Self-criticism gets in the way of being authentic with ourselves about what we’ve done, and prevents us from making changes to future behavior.
3. Self-Criticism puts those close to you in a very uncomfortable position.
Have you ever had someone wrong you and then become very self-abusive? For example, if I said to my friend, “I can’t believe I forgot your birthday! I am such a worthless, undeserving idiot… I don’t even know why you’re friends with me! If you don’t want to go to lunch next weekend, that’s okay. I don’t deserve such a good friend as you…”
From my perspective, the message is, “I’m doing enough penance that she will see how hard I’m being on myself and I will be allowed to be her friend again.”
From her perspective, I am making her very uncomfortable. Certainly, she would much rather I say, “I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday this year… I think the days got away from me.”
What this really does is prevent an apology from being genuine. When I self-flagellate in order to make you understand how bad I feel, I take a way in which I’ve wronged you – and make it all about myself.
4. We are more critical of other people when we are critical of ourselves.
One way that self-criticism manifests is in the form of social comparisons. We think to ourselves:
- “Wow, Cindy looks amazing! She’s so much prettier than I am.”
- “Of course Josh got the promotion… he’s so much smarter than I am.”
- “Sasha and Sam’s relationship is so loving… my partner and I could never be that solid.”
And if you’re in the habit of valuing other people over yourself, you might wonder: what’s wrong with that? Isn’t it nice to think about other people in a positive light? But on a good self-esteem day, you’re still using the same barometer, and here’s what you’re thinking:
- “Cindy looks like a hot mess! I’m so much prettier than she is.”
- “Well of course Josh is struggling in his new role… he’s much stupider than I am.”
- “Sasha and Sam seemed cold towards each other at last night’s party… thank goodness my partner and I are on sturdier ground than they are!”
In other words, positive or negative, your perceptions of others are always shifting to reflect the way you feel. This means that you don’t feel consistently good about anyone in your life. It’s a nasty, high-stakes game. You’re either winning by being better than other people or losing by being worse. And your sense of your own value is forever subject to scrutiny and comparison to others.
5. Being self-critical can lead you to seek out bad or even abusive relationships.
I love when people agree with me! If someone thinks Broadway musicals are amazing, but jukebox shows are ruining the genre, we’ll have conversational fodder for hours.
You probably feel the same way! (Not about musicals – about loving when people agree with you.)
So let’s say that you believe you’re a good-for-nothing loser who can never do anything right. Guess who you’ll find yourself attracted to? That’s right – other people who think you’re a good-for-nothing loser who can never do anything right.
This is why if you are heavily self-critical, you may find yourself in relationships and friendships where the people in your life put you down. The problem is that this is circular and self-reinforcing. You think, “well, if these horrible people are the only ones interested in me, I must be as bad as I think.” But in reality, you are drawn to people who put you down because you’re already putting yourself down.
So what’s the fix?
This isn’t about arbitrarily patting yourself on the back or looking in the mirror and declaring, “I am great!”
This is about our shared humanity. It’s about saying, “I am a human, and humans are flawed, and that is beautiful.” It’s about saying, “I am in pain right now, and that is part of the human experience.” It’s about saying, “I messed up and that’s okay. I’ll try again next time.”
Because self-criticism – punishing yourself relentlessly – doesn’t do what you want it to.
Featured photo courtesy of Yas A – CC 2.0