Someone recently called me a “professional conventional wisdom assassin,” which I really loved. It’s true – society feeds us all kinds of expectations about how pieces of our life are supposed to go. When our narrative doesn’t fit that, it can be jarring at best or devastating at worst.
Today, I’d like to assassinate the conventional wisdom about when a couple decides to have a baby – especially when that couple consists of a cis-man and a cis-woman.
The “Trying to Conceive” Narrative
Here’s the story we’re told:
A loving couple decides to spend their lives together. One day, perhaps over breakfast, or while settling into bed for the evening, one of them turns to the other and says, “honey, let’s try to have a baby.” The other person agrees, and that kicks off a period of time called “trying to conceive”.
With this conversation, a new chapter begins. The couple engages in a large amount of mutually enjoyable sex, sparked with the possibility of something new. And within the next few months – perhaps four at most – the anxious, excited couple hovers over a pregnancy test and learns that their lives are about to change forever.
“It’s positive!” they shout! They embrace, make an appointment with a highly lauded obstetrician, and nine months later have a happy, healthy child.
But that’s not always how it goes.
Sometimes, it’s been months and months, and the positive pregnancy test hasn’t arrived. Sometimes it does – only for the pregnancy to end in a miscarriage.
And lots of things happen when a couple’s experience deviates from the narrative. It can challenge the people going through it, and especially impact the couple’s relationship and the female partner’s sense of self. Here are a few challenges you might encounter if the conventional “TTC” narrative doesn’t match your own:
1. You may feel crazy for half of every month.
First, a bit of science: An average healthy woman’s cycle (and – a reminder – this is not true for everyone) is 28 days long.
During the first 14 days, called “the follicular phase”, her body prepares an egg for fertilization. When a couple is trying to conceive, the second half of the follicular phase is – to use a nonclinical term – “go time”. Because ovulation is variable, and sperm can live for a while inside a woman’s body, there’s an approximately 3-5 day window when a woman can get pregnant. This is the part of the month when a couple who is trying to conceive is typically having a lot of very goal-oriented sex.
The last 14 days, called “the luteal phase”, is when a fertilized egg becomes an embryo and implants in the uterus. Only at the end of this 14 days will a pregnancy test come up positive if the woman is pregnant. Because of this, the luteal phase is colloquially called the “two-week wait”.
And that’s what you’ll do for half of every month: wait. And wait. And wait.
But you won’t just wait. You’ll analyze every twinge, every itch, every minute signal your body sends you. You’ll wonder if you’re nauseated because you have food poisoning, or whether it’s an early pregnancy symptom. You’ll wonder if you’re tired because you need more rest, or if your body is busy building a blastula. You’ll make jokes to your partner: “my foot hurts – must be pregnant!”
Plus, there are all sorts of things you’re not supposed to do if, in fact, you are pregnant… for example: drink alcohol, eat sushi, go scuba diving. So you may find yourself wondering whether you should engage in these activities or abstain. Some people are tired of planning their lives around the two-week wait. (“Drink til it’s pink” is a common refrain, referring to the second pink line on a pregnancy test.) But others feel that they’ve waited so long to become pregnant that if, by some chance, this is the month, they want to do everything they can to take care of the baby growing inside them. Whichever you decide is right for you, you’ll probably find yourself thinking about this decision quite a bit.
2. Each month, you may calculate your due date and divide your life into “before” and “after”.
If you are a person who thrives on spontaneity, this may not impact you very much. But if you’re a person who loves to plan for the future, you’ll find that you keep moving the bar for when it’s okay to plan things.
“Can we take that vacation? I don’t know, I might be 8 months pregnant then.”
“Will we be going to Alice and Francesca’s wedding? Well, we may have a two-week-old, so I can’t really say.”
And if your next pregnancy test is negative, you’ll spend a few days taking deep breaths, calculate the possible due date from the start date of your next cycle, and start having those conversations all over again.
3. You may argue more with your partner, especially about sex.
Trying to conceive is a stressful thing, and people manage stress in different ways. You may shut down while your partner cries. You may throw yourself into work while your partner remains sunny and optimistic. Unless you and your partner manage stress really similarly, you may find that these differences cause tension in your relationship. (I’ve written before about how to deal with stress in a relationship.)
Beyond the challenges of general stress, sex gets especially complicated. Any sex therapist worth their salt will tell you that sex is at its best when it’s about connection, not achieving male orgasm. When the goal is male ejaculation, sex becomes something that you can succeed or fail at, which increases pressure and anxiety and decreases pleasure and, ultimately, “performance”. A vicious cycle. But when you flip the script and focus, instead, on connection and mutual enjoyment, it becomes something at which you cannot fail – generally better for everyone involved.
But when you’re trying to conceive, that paradigm goes out the window. Sex *must* be about male ejaculation, because that’s the only way to make a new human. Timing has to be deliberately calculated, so that intercourse jives with ovulation. If someone is tired and “doesn’t feel like it tonight,” there’s a twinge of guilt when the negative pregnancy test comes: “Crap… was the day we skipped the right day?”
And so sex, which is already fraught in many relationships, begins to bear the burden of large existential questions. It’s no longer, “would I enjoy being intimate with my partner this evening?” but rather “at what time and in what way do I need to be intimate with my partner in order to pass on my genes into the future?” Talk about pressure!
4. You may struggle with your body image.
Remember that “two-week wait” we discussed? Part of it was that playing by the pregnancy “rules” means abstaining from a lot of things for half of every month.
But, damn. The conventional wisdom about what you should or shouldn’t do while pregnant is so conflicting and mind-boggling that I don’t even know where to begin assassinating it. Exercise regularly, but for goodness sake, don’t exercise too much! Make sure you eat healthy foods to provide important nutrients to your growing baby, but whatever you do, don’t change the way you eat! It’s stressful!
And what do a lot of people do when they’re feeling stress? They short-circuit and regress to default mode, which for many folks means no exercise and a lot of comfort food. And so what this boils down to is: you may gain weight. If you’ve struggled to have a healthy relationship with food and your body in the past, this may be really challenging, but it’s also a normal part of how some people deal with stress.
Even if you don’t gain weight, you may struggle with your body image in other ways. A lot of people who have been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for a long time, or who have had one or more miscarriages, begin to believe that their body is broken. Your body is NOT broken – it just hasn’t done what you’re trying to get it to do… and that’s at least as likely to be about your partner as yourself.
The most important thing, if you start to feel this way, is to give yourself lots of love and remind yourself: You not a broken baby-making machine. You are a valuable, multifaceted human, and you deserve compassion during this challenging time.
So what can you do about it?
These are some of the many things you may experience as you navigate this frustrating journey. Nothing will make the pain, stress, and sadness you may be feeling go away entirely, but here are some things that you can do to make it a little bit easier:
1. Develop a strong support system.
A lot of people keep it to themselves when they are trying to conceive, but having people in your life you can lean on is the #1 thing that will make it easier. Whether it’s a circle of supportive friends, or an online “TTC” message board full of people who can relate to what you’re going through, having people to talk to is vital.
Your partner is an important piece of this, but they’re experiencing the same journey in their own way, and may not be able to give you everything you need. Finding a person or people outside of your relationship who you can lean on can be extremely healing. And if you’re struggling to find people you can discuss this with, finding a therapist who can empathize can also be very healing.
2. Practice mindfulness.
So much of the stress of trying to conceive has to do with rushing into the future, especially during the “two-week wait”. Learn to stay grounded in the present. Practice deliberate breathing. And consider downloading an app like Headspace to guide you through how to do these things.
3. Go to couples therapy.
And do it early, when you and your partner start to have arguments about fertility. I’ve written before about how couples therapy as a preventative measure can build closeness in a relationship. If you and your partner are navigating this journey in a way that’s making you argue more, now might be a great time to explore this option.
4. Make plans and live your life.
Obviously, don’t do anything irresponsible, like buying a nonrefundable flight to Europe for a date when you may be going into labor. But deepening interests, developing new hobbies, and embarking on adventures can help mitigate the feeling that you’re living in a state of “before the due date” and “after the due date”. It also reminds you that you’re a multidimensional human person, and that there are a lot of wonderful things in your life.
And while you’re at it, think about everything you love about your life and practice gratitude.
5. Consult with doctors if it’s been awhile
Here’s the medical definition of infertility:
- If the woman is under 35: 1 year or more of trying to conceive without a successful pregnancy
- If the woman is over 35: 6 months or more of trying to conceive without a successful pregnancy
If you’ve hit either of these milestones, it might be time to reach out to a fertility doctor. When you meet with a doctor, the first step is a battery of diagnostic tests that will tell you whether you or your partner has a condition that’s preventing pregnancy. And if you do, it may turn out to be easily treatable.
But regardless of what the tests show and what path you choose to take, it can feel empowering to consult with someone who is knowledgeable and can point you in a direction.
6. And above all else, practice self-compassion.
I’ve said it 100 times, and it bears repeating 100 more. When you’re going through something challenging, don’t forget to be kind to yourself. I promise it will make everything else feel lighter.